TV's funniest lines from August 1 to 7

”It’s only been called National Tequila Day for about five years. Before that it was called National This Toilet Bowl Feels So Cold Against My Face Day.”
—Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

”There are two kinds of surprises: birthday and Pearl Harbor. Guess which category the ‘Mom’ surprise falls under.”
—Mary Shannon (Mary McCormack), after her mother (Lesley Ann Warren) shows up to live with her, on In Plain Sight

”I have the courage to leave a child behind. Not all of the children! Just the one that smells like bologna.”
—Stephen Colbert, talking to Secretary of Education (and No Child Left Behind champion) Margaret Spellings, on The Colbert Report

”I like an older man because they know a lot of things and there’s a lot of things they can teach you. But I also like a younger man because they don’t take as long.”
—Whoopi Goldberg, about her tastes in men, on The View

”So what am I supposed to do — dangle a Pepsi out the window and see if I can hook a stroller?”
—Don Draper (Jon Hamm), when asked to hire younger copywriters, on Mad Men

For daily video recaps of all the best Sound Bites, go to