The 10 hottest topics for the week of July 28, 2008

1. Matthew McConaughey takes baby Levi to the beach
Lance Armstrong is apoplectic: ”I’m supposed to be his shirtless beach buddy!”

2. On Capitol Hill, Richard Simmons hints at congressional run
Now if Jack Hanna and a rambunctious ocelot also run, my dream of remaking Congress as a Letterman off-night will finally be complete.

3. Shark bites Ryan Seacrest’s toe
How could it not go for the hair? If I had one shot, I’d go for the hair.

4. Rachael Ray introduces new dog food
Dogs love her spunk, her no-frills style, and her willingness to puree old beef joints into a quick, savory meal.

5. Britney Spears wardrobe items being auctioned
Soon she’ll wear nothing but a mélange of her signature fragrances.

6. Kim Kardashian, Carmen Electra wow Comic-Con throngs
Setting the bar a bit low, are we, girls? I could slap on a chain-mail bustier, slather myself in frosting, and wow those guys.

7. Matt Damon working off 30 extra pounds he put on for role
What was the role? Oh, you know. Some fat dude.

8. Melissa Gilbert plays Ma Ingalls in new stage-musical version of Little House on the Prairie
Backstage reports indicate that the new Half Pint loves getting notes!

9. The Office to be remade in Russia
In the first episode, wry office drone Dmitry makes jokes at idiotic boss Mikhail’s expense. Dmitry is then mysteriously poisoned. This is also the last episode.

10. Russell Crowe’s Robin Hood movie postponed indefinitely
”I suddenly thought to myself, ‘Hey, mate! You are ‘the rich’!”