Three film projects I’m not sure I’m excited about:

1. The Howard Stern-produced remake of Rock ‘n’ Roll High School. Stern (pictured, left) has been talking about doing this for at least six years (along with a remake of Porky’s), but now he’s hired a screenwriter: actor-turned-filmmaker Alex Winter. (Winter knows from satirical high school movies, having played Bill opposite Keanu Reeves’ Ted in the Bill & Ted comedies.) No word yet on which band will sub for the stars of the 1979 cult movie, the Ramones, though maybe Stern could make it a period piece and star as his lookalike, Joey Ramone… nah. Feel free to suggest in the comments section a present-day analog to the then-rising punk act for Stern and Winter to cast in the update.

2. A Spider-Man 3 spinoff centering on the villainous Venom. Except it doesn’t look like Topher Grace (center) will star (or Tobey Maguire, for that matter), so essentially, the filmmakers will be creating a new character named after a villain in a comic book series whose hero is not likely to make an appearance. The last time Hollywood tried that, we got Catwoman.

After the jump: one more follow-up project no one asked for…

addCredit(“Howard Stern, Topher Grace, Mike Myers: Scott Wintrow/Getty Images, Kimberly Wright”)

3. A fourth Austin Powers (right) movie, this one focusing on the tormented father-son relationship between Dr. Evil and Scott Evil. Much as I love the banter between Mike Myers and Seth Green in the earlier films (“I’ve got a whole bag of ‘Shh!’ with your name on it”), I’m not sure they can stretch that into a whole movie. Plus, there’s the smell of desperation here, an effort that will look like Myers retreating and pandering after the detonation of The Love Guru stinkbomb. It’s the sort of move Myers had enough integrity to avoid when he chose not to make a half-assed Dieter movie.

Ah, but maybe I’m just being a crank here, and all these works of cinematic art will prove me wrong. Which of these projects are you the most optimistic about? Which will you refuse to see unless they pry your eyelids open Clockwork Orange-style?

Spider-Man 3
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