It’s hard to pinpoint what, exactly, about the ubiquitous Optimum Online Triple Play commercial eats away at my insides with the most fervor. The pirates? The mermaids? The dragon/lobster hybrid? The random cast of characters emerging from the deep like illegals attempting to evade the border on Weeds? The alarming amount of crack that whoever came up with the “jingle” inhaled during the three seconds it took him to come up with this? No. It’s that I will forever know the toll-free number for Optimum Online. BY HEART.

You do have to admire the way a crashing wave signifies the ‘8!’ after three fin thrusts mark out ‘4-4-4.’ Oh wait, no you don’t.