Tell me I wasn’t the only one who tuned in for the premiere of History Channel’s Jurassic Fight Club last night (Tuesdays, 9 p.m. ET). The first face-off pitted Majungatholus against Majungatholus (pictured) in a CGI battle to the death based on a scenario paleontologists deduced from fossil finds on the island of Madagascar. The first 45 minutes showed the science that determined that a female dinosaur had gone cannibal on a male. The final 15 minutes recreated their deadly encounter, after an ominous flashing of the warning “YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE A GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF A VIOLENT PREHISTORIC BATTLE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.” Allow me to give you the fascinating play-by-play after the jump.

Paleontologist expert “Dinosaur George” Blasing, the MVP of thisseries, I can already tell, led the narration of the story: A male catches the scent of afemale and works his way into her territory. He tries to woo her intomating with a simple swaying ritual meant to convey that he’s not athreat, just horny. (I’m paraphrasing.) She’s having none of him, andaggressively hisses and bares her teeth. He doesn’t understand… until he catches a glimpse of her offspring. Knowing that she won’tget busy as long as she’s got a baby, he decides the offspring mustdie. (!)

It’s on.

The female, fast and furious with her maternal instinct,rams the male as he runs for the juvenile, who’s been sitting soinnocently behind a tree that you want to reach through the television and pull him outto the safety of your living room. (Cut to you settling for aprofane exclamation of approval for the female’s counterattack.) The female bitchslaps the male withher powerful tail. Twice. But then the male backs her up until shetrips over a log and falls to the ground. He seizes the opportunity tosnatch the baby. (Cut to commercial, as your mouth hangs open.)

Next, thefemale comes to, sees the male thrashing her offspring about in his mouth, chargeshim and bites his neck so hard that she severs his spinal cord. Nowhere’s where things get really F’d up. When she finds that there’s no lifeleft in her baby — she eats it. Apparently, the Majungatholus’ mind isso small it’s incapable of thinking of two things at once, which meansit can’t mourn. It no longer sees offspring — it sees food source. She needs to replenish the calories she’s just expended. (Cut to a gross shot of a mother eating her baby. Whole.) She then turns to the male.

I’ll letBlasing take this, because boy, does he enjoy it: “He’s still alive but he can’t move. He makes the perfecttarget, and he’s gonna get eaten alive… The female Majungatholusshoves her head into the stomach cavity of the male. She’s seeking themost nutritious parts. She pulls her blood-covered nose out of thestomach and in her jaws [is] the liver.” (Cut to that sobering shot.) “This is not an act ofvengeance. The female eats the male for sustenance, not to get even forwhat it did to her young.”

Fascinating. As is the fact that the male’s plan would’ve worked, Blasing says, had the female not been present when he attacked the offspring. She would’ve just discovered it dead and gone in to reproductive mode again.

Cut to me programming my DVR to record all new episodes of Jurassic Fight Club. And you?