The Bachelor
Credit: Adam Larkey
4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)

British Bachelor Matt Grant and his fiancée/”Monkey,” Shayne Lamas, have finally acknowledged their split. We’d like to help them remember the “good” times. After the jump, a trip down memory lane, courtesy of our Mini TV Watches.

March 18: And then we come to Shayne, the actress from Malibu, who only fallsinto the could-be-crazy category because she thought she needed to tellus that it’s really no big deal that her dad is Lorenzo Lamas.

March 25: The second group date found the other seven girls accompanying Matton his first trip to Sin City. Kelly, who always seems to be slurringher words (read: drunk), won some alone time with Matt by being thebest gambler. This pissed off Shayne, as did Matt choosing to spendtime with anyone who wasn’t her. I feel like we missed the beginning ofShayne’s tantrum, but cameras caught up with her in time to hear hertell Matt, “You have 20 other girls downstairs eying [sic] for yourattention, and do you think that I am a person that is, like, you know,waiting in the wings, and, like, would do this not to get to know you?”No, Shayne, he thinks you’re a person who signed up for a show that hasALWAYS had 25 girls vying for the attention of one man — so suck it up.As Shayne admitted when she sulked after Chelsea got the group-daterose, “I’m used to getting my way. I’m used to getting a millionroses.” This is why I think Matt should trust his instincts — asopposed to his twig and berries, which believe stunning Shayne isbeyond his level of attractiveness — and not trust her. She says shedoesn’t feel this way about anyone. That’s because no man ever makes her chase him.Shayne assured Matt that she was there for him, and he kept her arounddespite insisting that the drama was a big turn-off. (Strike three.)

April 1: While the other girls were playing Rugby, Shayne was at the mansionwith Holly, suffering. “I’m dying. I need to tan so bad,” she said.Turns out Holly somehow brought a spray tan machine with her and thoughshe didn’t want the other girls to know about it, offered to giveShayne a coat. I guess Shayne isn’t on this show to further her actingcareer, because that scene was RIDICULOUS. I wonder if producers had tobeg to film that, or if Shayne was happy to be shown with a black baracross her va-jay-jay? Regardless, Shayne was ready for her one-on-onewith Matt — wine-tasting, dinner, and snuggling by a fire. Matt alwayshas a strange smile on his face when she’s talking. I don’t reallythink that he buys a word she says, I just think he wants to enjoy the”ultimate L.A. sex kitten” while he can and finds the moments whenshe’s trying to hide who she is as amusing as the ones that reveal it,i.e. “This is my top 5, right here. I’m into cars, shoes, ohmygod,handbags, sunglasses, and watches. I think if you have all those five,it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing on your body.” Matt gave her arose because when he’s making out with her, he feels 16 again. When hewatched the way she flipped her head around after he asked her if she’daccept that rose, I wonder if he felt like she was pretending to be ina movie. (I did.)

April 15: On to Shayne, the queen of cuddling, who impressed Matt on the groupdate with her snowboarding skills and her ability to pack half hermakeup bag into the pockets of her jacket. “I have to look good foryou, babe,” she said. (Cannot wait to see Matt meet her dad, LorenzoLamas, next week!)

April 22: Matt met Shayne and her father, whom he correctly identified as “a bit of a star,” at a restaurant. Seriously disappointing.Was Lorenzo afraid we’d hunt him down if we saw his home? (Oh, yousurprisingly handsome, delusional man.) Shayne was nervous because shehad once introduced a guy to her father, and the dude admitted thathe’d met Shayne at a bar in a club. Why would this be at allshocking to Lorenzo? (Unless, maybe Shayne was underage at the time,and producers edited that part of the story out?) Anyway, I thoughtLorenzo was actually a thoughtful, decent dad. He told the camera thathe’d been married at 21, and didn’t want Shayne to rush in to anything.So, he set her up: He told Matt that he thought she was on the show forthe exposure, that “She wants to be a good actress, but she wants to bea star more. This was her opportunity to be on television, right? Imean, come on.” Lorenzo wanted to give Shayne an out, or, hear her saythat she was on the show for Matt — which she did. Lorenzo’sconversation with Matt — about wanting him to be careful with Shayne’semotions, which he himself had toyed with by not being in her life asmuch as he should’ve been — wasn’t patronizing; it was sweet.

Next came the visit to Shayne’s mother’s house, which Matt alsocorrectly identified as having leopard everywhere. “I was kinda diggingit,” he said. And shockingly, so was I. Yes, it’d be easy to take shotsat Shayne’s mom for being a walking L.A. stereotype, but the fact is,you could feel her warmth, and that of her home. Serving Matt Englishfood, showing him a video of Shayne dancing when she was younger,asking him how he’d feel watching Shayne kiss a costar — she was real.By the end of the date, Matt admitted that he had no more doubts aboutthe Cuddle Master’s motives for being on the show. We’ll see if hesticks to that story…

April 29: Shayne was Matt’s first date in Barbados, and since he’s no longerworried that she’s on the show just to become Paris Hilton, he was ableto focus his attention on what really matters: Shayne doing split jumps on a trampoline. Canoodling in the ocean, in the sand, and in the swimming pool.Figuring out if Shayne’s dumb blond act is, as he suspects, just anact. Does she just ask stupid questions — e.g. “Do they have palm treesin London?” and “I’m intellectual — is that how you say that word?” —because she thinks it’s cute, and not because she doesn’t know theanswer. I can’t decide what annoyed me more: That Shayne thinks playingdumb is a good way to keep a relationship “spicy,” or that apparently,it works. (Matt said he “loves it.” And that he could easily seemhimself with Shayne, his “little monkey.”) I do believe Shayne issmart, and knows when she’s being entertaining (schooling Matt on theart of the tongue-less actor kiss) and giving a good sound bite: “To behonest with you, I love being blond. I love it. I’ve been blond since Iwas 12, maybe 13.” I’d like to say that her fate will depend on whethershe knows when to cut the act (meaning, when meeting Matt’s parents),but I don’t think Matt really considers her a potential lifepartner. Telling the camera that he was “seriously touched” by Shayneexpressing that she’s falling in love with him, to me, seemed like anice way of saying, “I’m flattered. I didn’t think my little monkey hadit in her.” I could be totally wrong. Am I?

May 13: In the end, it came down to Chelsea’s energy versus Shayne’s warmthand total devotion to Matt (which he preferred to describe as “nothaving a selfish bone in her body”). He told Shayne that he’d lookedinto her big, brown eyes and thought it was too good to be true: AnEnglishman falling in love with an American movie star. But she madehim believe that’s she’s just a girl, standing in front of a boy,asking him to love her — okay, I’m paraphrasing.There’s been laughter, fun, kisses, and “there’s been monkey,” he said.He knows they’ll always be there for one another, he added, beforedropping to one knee. Seeing Shayne lose her balance was awfully cute.As was her (rehearsed?) comeback: “I will marry you under onecondition, that you will never look at another woman for the rest ofour lives…. because you have looked at way too many during ourrelationship.”

It’s no wonder Shayne made Matt repeat the words “I love you” againand again. On their last night together before the final rose ceremony— after she dreamed about Matt proposing to her while floating throughthe sky like an angel (or, you know, parasailing) — she’d given himwhat she called the most amazing gift he’d ever receive from her. Itwas a photo of her, laying on the beach, next to an “I love you” she’dwritten in the sand. You could see she really wanted Matt to say thewords then. But all she got was “Without a doubt, I’m falling in lovewith you.” (Chelsea’s post-helicopter-ride present, “Matt’s CaliforniaSurvival Kit” complete with breakfast-in-bed cereal, earned the sameresponse minus the “without a doubt”… telling?)

So, do you agree with Matt’s choice, or do you agree with Chelsea that he’s a fool?

Episode Recaps

4. Season 5 (Jesse Palmer)
The Bachelor

This romantic reality competition series follows a gaggle of women vying for the Bachelor’s heart — and a wedding proposal. Will you accept this rose?

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