So last Tuesday, we wished for some inter-family drama, and — Bam! — this week’s hormone-filled hour kicks off with the revelation that Grace’s dad (also the husband of Amy’s dad’s ex-wife) is the Juergens’ new pediatrician! Awkward… Meanwhile, Ashley (pictured, standing), everyone’s favorite push-up-bra-wearing, eyeliner-sporting tween, gets some serious screen time “and a little cleavage.” But more about the series’ breakout star in a moment; first, let’s discuss Amy’s (pictured, seated) drama…

Yep, our heroine is starting to show — both baby bump and B-cup boobs. Her boyfriend Ben — also known as the “sausage prince” because his father owns some meat empire, love the phallic symbolism — is too busy trying out his tongue skills on a giant stuffed bear and freaking out about their pending first kiss to notice. So far, his friends are winning in the “whose posse would I rather have hung with in high school?” race; come on, Amy’s confidantes, Lauren and Madison, are afraid of the word “fetus,” while Ben’s know-it-all gal pal Alice volunteers to help the guy plan out the smooch he’s hoping to deliver at the ol’ county fair. No contest!

In other news, we find out that Adrian isn’t just a master baton twirler, but also a smart cookie, after “hot” counselor Mr. Molina approaches her about her near perfect SAT scores and post-high school plans. Adrian’s response? “I heard Indiana University has a great sex-ed program.” Then later, “I really love sex.” Somehow, I think she and Mr. Molina’s might have conflicting definitions of an SAT “score.”

After the jump, more on this week’s high-school shenanigans…

On the Bowman’s Christian home front, Grace is still banned from seeing Jack. Ah, the agony of the curfew, and the endless barrage of”no’s.” Parents just don’t understand aboutforbidden puppy love, or how a teenager daughter will do anything to make it happen. Including, but not limited to, trying out Ricky’s switcharoo scheme. Indeed, while Ricky and Adrian seem tobe heading deeper into couple territory with their school-nightrendezvous, the bad boy propositions Grace with a way for her to seeJack. His strategy? He’ll pick her up, then drop her off to hold hands withJack while he goes and knocks boots with Adrian. Of course, Jack’s admission to Gracethat “bed buddy” Adrian is just a “friend” only fuels my suspicionsthat he’ll try to bust a move on Grace at some point soon. Are you with me on that?

Speaking of busting moves, Amy and Ben’s first date is one part magical and one part vomit-inducing.Which, let’s be honest, is the stuff of all good first dates. Unlessyou’re nauseous because you’re hiding a pregnancy…which could be aproblem. The first kiss of the night? Goes to “friends” Alice andHenry! Gotta love incestuous high school friendships. Amy’s firstsmooch comes after the date, when prince charming stops by with ginger ale and Chapstick-smooth lips.

The real tear-jerking moments, however, were left for episode’s end, thanks in large part to India Eisley’s performance as Ashley. It’s all outthere: Momma Ringwald notices that Amy has curves, points out that herfeet are swollen, and gets a strange bill from the pediatrician, butonly Ashley manages to add up the suspicious numbers and confront her big sis. And when the truth comes out, we see this tough little broad emotionally implodefrom the weight of her parents’ fighting and sister’s pregnancy. Thefinal scene is Ashley asking Amy if “he knows” — a funny question,because Ben doesn’t know, Ricky doesn’t know, and Ashley doesn’t knowwho “he” is.

So how long do you guys think it’ll be until everyone finds out?How long until Ricky tries something with Grace? Is anyone elsepressing mute whenever the Bowman family is on screen? And finally, I take the subway to work, so you car-owning PopWatchers will have to fill me in — dogas stations really give away tampons and other feminine products withfill-ups?

The Secret Life Of The American Teenager
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