Pssst! I’ve got a secret. Come closer. Lean in. I can only tell you if you promise not to tattle to PETA. Pinkie swear? Here it is: I am so not an animal person. (I know. What’s wrong with me?!) And I’m especially not a dog person, so I’m a little over all of the canine shenanigans in last night’s D-List. But for the benefit of all you PDubs out there who love your pooches so much you kiss them on the mouth (aaaghhh!), I’ll dish about the slobbery beasts.

After filming a PSA for the Guide Dog Foundation and dealing with cranky doggy do-gooder Jeff (What was his problem? I think he’s the one with the “disgraceful ego.”), Kath called on Dog Whisperer (and Emmy loser) Cesar Millan (pictured) to whip her own Pom Pom and Chance into shape. If you’ve seen Kathy’s special where she jokes about her dogs, uh, shall we say, “exploding” all over a luxury resort suite and then running off, leaving her to chase them down in her underpants, you know what sort of holy terrors Cesar was up against. But in true Dog Whisperer fashion (I’m assuming here. I’ve obviously never watched the show because, hello, it’s about DOGS!), he got the disobedient doggies to walk on a treadmill. Is it just me, or is that kind of creepy in the way that cats peeing in the toilet is creepy? Treadmills and toilets are for people, not for animals. Unfortunately for the soothing Cesar, even though he won the people training/dog rehabilitating bet, Kathy wouldn’t relinquish her cherished Emmy. (Yeah, like that was going to happen.)

The “animal” magnetism continued when Kathy, Team Griffin,billionaire bear Woz, and his anal-retentive assistant Julie traveledto San Fran for the International Bear Round-Up (and we’re not talkin’about the Chicago Bears here, Maggie). Obviously Kathy felt right athome among her gays — even the “large, hairy” ones — but I wassurprised at how much Woz seemed in his element. Perhaps he enjoyed theattention from his fellow bears? Or maybe he simply had no idea whatwas going on. Was that not great when he held up that fringetastic sextoy and was like “this is a movie prop, right?” Oh goodness. Maybe youshould have Googled that, Woz. My favorite part of their trip,though, was learning all of those kooky bear puns like “Bear Maul” (aclever play on shopping mall). Brilliant.

How about you, PopWatchers? What was your favorite part about lastnight’s episode? Did you pick up any great celebrity assistant tipsfrom Team Griffin’s Learning Annex class? Is that hissy claw maneuveractually supposed to work on dogs? And how cute was it when that guy inthe Winnie the Pooh suit got all flustered over meeting Kathy? Have atit.