Michael Slezak
Credit: Annie Barrett

File under sad but true: I’ve spent the last six months working diligently to idly daydreaming that I’d be able to lose enough weight to fit into my old suit for the July 12 wedding of some close friends. This past weekend, amid the sounds of a strained zipper and my internal sobbing, the dream finally died; I schlepped over to Macy’s and did what needed to be done to comply with the required dress code.

I know, you’re probably thinking “You’ve got no one to blame but yourself, Slezak!” But you’d be wrong. You see, I blame the folks at TNT, home of Kyra Sedgwick’s smash procedural drama, The Closer (click here to read Lynette Rice’s classic 2006 feature on the show.) Last month, in the midst of an American Idol/snack food detox, the network flooded HQ with boxes of cellophane-wrapped cookies, each one emblazoned with a blurb — “I TiVo General Hospital,” “I shop online at work,” “I ate the last cookie,” etc. — that plays into TNT’s recent Closer ad campaign implying everyone has something to confess.

I had no intention of unwrapping the baked delights, that is until I popped over to PopWatch Food & Drink maven Annie Barrett’s desk; she, too, had received the offending treats, and lined them up around the edges of her cubicle (see photo), informing me that the macadamia-nut variety were especially delish. (Annie, I blame you, too!) Suddenly, just like a packet of Crystal Light On The Go being stirred into a bottle of water, my will power had dissolved; it was the beginning of the end of my weight-loss goal.

Anyhow, while you contemplate the pathetic quotient of the preceding three paragraphs, I invite you to watch an exclusive (and amusingly gross) clip from The Closer‘s July 14 season premiere, embedded below. Actually, on second thought, DO NOT PRESS PLAY. I may not be able to expense my new suit to TNT, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t pay for what they did to my waistline, dammit!