They aren’t just looking for talent. They’re looking for the ”greatest legends in entertainment history!” A tall order for a summer filler show, if you ask me. Regardless, Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, the Hoffinator were back last night for another round of America’s Got Talent auditions. Does anyone else think it’s ironic that to find talent in America we had to import two British judges? On the line-up we had:

Grinding with Powertools!
So there’s grinding, and powertools? Cut to Hoff and Piers crackin’beers, fist pounding and high fiving behind the judges station. Maybenot, but Hoff was so taken with Miss Pussykatt, whose talent was towear sheet metal and shoot sparks out of her ass, that he crooned,”Pussycat, pussycat, I love you.” I’ll wait while you gag.

Singing Fairies!
The Singing Fairy didn’t choose to be a singing fairy, it was destiny. I guess if you’ve heard the story of one singing fairy, you’ve heard ’em all. Victoria, the winged abomination, is also a part-time nanny. Makes you wonder how many kids are still trying to overcome their fear of tone-deaf mythical creatures.

Tumblers and boy bands and gay cowboys!
You know how you sometimes put on socks and slide across hardwood floors? (Well, I do that, at any rate.) Yeah, New Orleans street performers Lil Countrie and Page 1NE do that too, except they slide on their heads. And oh my God, someone call 1990, it’s the next big boy band! Next II None could kind of sing and they could sort of dance, which makes them them more talented than any other boy band America has ever seen. But my favorite choreographed dance routine came from the DC Cowboys. I think they won me over with their clever slogan: ‘Think Brokeback meets Broadway.”

Know your audience
The Taubl Family, channeling the Von Trapps, sang ”The Sound of Music.” It was lovely, adorable, G-rated fun; a nice breather between acts like The Sassy Kitten Cougar Exotic Dance Club Team Without Underwear. The Taubl Family made it to the next round, but can you imagine them performing on the Vegas strip? Surrounded by the sins of the devil? I think the Taubl Family would be a lot more successful renting a bus and touring the church circuit in Nebraska.

I’ve seen that card trick before
I don’t have anything against magicians, but I just don’t care if someone can get out of a locked box and into a red bathing suit in under 30 seconds. The Pendragons were two of the many magicians — excuse me, illusionists — who made me EWww and EHhhh. Like Dan the magic man, whose trick was to make you think he ripped a dove in half. EWW! Or Johnny O, who lit a bouncy ball on fire and then bounced it. EHHH! Or Becky Blah, who did something that was so unmagical I can’t even remember the trick or her last name. Or Bizzaro, the man who lights himself on fire and also shoots fire from his…EWW!

You don’t look familiar
For every disappearing illusionist, there was a tribute act getting the BZZT. Tough luck, Cyndi Lauper, Elton John, Dionne Warwick, and Rod Stewart. Even George Bush struck out. Sharon commented that his material was almost as bad as the actual president’s. You gotta love Sharon Osbourne. Nice, funny, and coherent! Paula Abdul, are you taking notes? And then, just when you thought Vegas didn’t have room for another Elvis Presley, 23-year-old Joseph Hall gyrated his way into audiences’ hearts with a rendition of ”Hound Dog” that left Sharon AND the Hoff drooling for more. Piers looked a little jealous that someone had done something sexier than a British accent.

So what did you think of the ”talent” showcased last night? What kind of acts do you find most impressive? The dancers? The dancers who sing? The dancers who sing and levitate and change costumes while rollerblading on their hands? When will Americans learn that sometimes less is more?

Episode Recaps

America's Got Talent
  • TV Show
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