The 10 hottest topics for the week of May 9, 2008

By Scott Brown
May 02, 2008 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 Lawyer for man accused of stalking Uma Thurman says being creepy is not a criminal offense
My Super Ex-Girlfriend, however, was.

2 In divorce settlement, David Hasselhoff retains rights to properties bearing the term ”Hoff”
This includes Deep Woods Hoff insect seduction spray and the Hofstra University Center for Chest Hair Research.

3 Convicted of failing to file taxes, Wesley Snipes reportedly requests New Jersey prison
He also requested every Shins album ever made. It’s a delicate time for him, and he’s been watching Garden State a lot.

4 Baldwin brothers gang up on Stephen’s antigay marriage views
This means a Baldwin Summit the likes of which haven’t been seen since the mid-’90s, when they all met to decide who would get fat.

5 J.J. Abrams to make a comedy about a kid out to seduce his high school teacher
You never see the whole teacher, just glimpses. It’s Cloverfield meets The Muppet Babies!

6 Christina Ricci says Jessica Biel has ”that perfect volleyball-playing-at-the-beach body”
She then hinted at a collaboration, noting that she herself could supply ”that perfect volleyball-shaped head.”

7 After concert mishap, boot has to be cut off Kenny Chesney’s injured foot
Y’know, Toby Keith would’ve cut the whole foot off and smoked it.

8 Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt attend White House Correspondents’ Dinner
I hope Bush marries them on the White House lawn and just lights this Armageddon candle already.

9 On Good Morning America, Mariah improvises when the ”Touch My Body” backing track skips
She was going to go ”Aaaah, oooh, eeeeeeee!” But instead, she had to go ”Eeeeeeee, aaaah, oooh!”

10 Whitney Houston reportedly shaky on ”I Will Always Love You” in concert
Outshining Mariah again — she needs no technical glitches.

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