A. may cause dry mouth, nausea, and feelings of grimness.
B. proves that Dane Cook has gotten the good end of a pact with Satan.
C. is a great reminder to watch Overboard/Private Benjamin/Protocol on cable this week.
D. makes you want to devote the next twelve hours to drunkenly banging out a cliché-filled romantic comedy script (preferably involving an unlikely “relationship fixer” character and a pratfall-filled wedding scene) which will free you from the drudgery of everyday work life and make you the toast of Hollywood.
E. looks freakin’ awesome.