The 10 hottest topics for the weeks of April 25 and May 2, 2008

1 Neil Patrick Harris clarifies: I do want Britney back on How I Met Your Mother
He’s even hired Jermaine Jackson to play the ”I Want You Back” bass line under her window.

2 George Clooney says ”George Clooney” fashion line is bogus
This is a great way to disavow 3 million unsold Leatherheads hoodies.

3 Matchbox Twenty cancels rodeo concert out of concern for animals
Even the animals really don’t want to hear that ”3 a.m.” song one more time.

4 Danny DeVito to woo Kristen Bell in When in Rome
Is that really ”as the Romans do”? If so, I applaud the decline in Roman standards and will move there immediately.

5 Survivor to be broadcast in HD
Fans will finally be able to see each individual grain of producer manipulation.

6 Full House alum Jodie Sweetin gives birth
The baby’s first words were ”You got it, dude!” to which her nonplussed mother replied, ”How rude!”

7 PETA declares truce with Beyoncé
Under the terms of the agreement, PETA will admit she was ”pretty good” in Dreamgirls, and Beyoncé will stop whaling.

8 Empire State Building to be lit in the colors of Mariah Carey’s new album
To cap the promotion, Mariah will climb to the top while being pursued by biplanes.

9 Alicia Keys calls gangsta rap a government conspiracy
Agreed. I see the hand of MC Rove in this.

10 Whitesnake frontman: ”The world is such a mess, what’s needed is a new Whitesnake album!”
Meanwhile, the global Whitesnake conspiracy continues to lag sadly behind.

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