The name-calling has started early in this year’s Eurovision — a bizarre annual singing competition pitting European states against one another, like Idol with more vicious nationalism. The finals won’t even start for another month, but members of the French government are already furiously denouncing their own country’s representative for the unforgivable crime of singing in English instead of en Français. Faced with intense pressure from France’s creepily titled “minister for cooperation,” singer Sebastien Tellier relented today and agreed to add some more French lyrics to his song. Way to go, freedom of expression!

But you know what? There’s a way more problematic issue here. Namely, the fact that Tellier’s tune — what’s the bon mot I’m looking for? — sucks. (The video’s below; potentially NSFW if your office has a problem with greasy-looking group baths.) I mean, the melody is sorta pleasant (emphasis on the sorta), but those keyboards and drum machines… oof. This sounds like it was programmed from a “My First Casio” demo loop, and not in a good way. Pourquoi, Sebastien, pourquoi? It’s not as if France is suffering from a shortage of talented synth-pop producers!

So! What do you think of Sebastien Tellier’s unique musique? And what would you say are the chances that Tellier is actually a clone of, and/or another ironic character played by, Russell Brand?