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This morning, after finding the first-season (uncensored!) DVD of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila on my desk, I jokingly suggested to my colleague Gary Susman that I try to watch my first episode of the super-popular MTV dating series, just to see how long it would take before I got nauseated. And the answer is… around 5 minutes!

Yes, PopWatchers, within the first 300 seconds of A Shot at Love, I saw the “bisexual” “singer”/”Internet sensation” make out (with tongue) with a complete stranger, heard one dude drop the term “tea-bagging” into casual conversation, and felt my soul die a little as another one of the 16 male contestants compared dating the Asian-American reality star to eating Chinese food. And this, of course, was just an appetizer. Before the episode was over, Tila referred to herself as a “bitch” who could possibly be purchased with expensive jewelry; 16 lesbian contestants arrived on the scene and put on a lingerie fashion show ripped from the mind of a 12-year-old boy (it’s a naughty nurse! and a naughty schoolgirl! and a naughty, um, construction worker!?); and Tila declared (very seriously), “I never, ever told anyone this before… I’m a bisexual.” Except, of course, the dozens of producers, assorted crew members, and MTV suits it took to greenlight and churn out this televised cauldron of syrup of ipecac in the first place.

Yeah, yeah, I’m Oldie Olsen, totally losing touch with what the kids are into nowadays. But in all seriousness, as the Shot at Love DVD threatens to hit stores next week, I have to ask: Why? How? And should I go ahead and draw up a big welcome sign for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?