The Bachelor
Credit: Adam Larkey

As usual, this episode managed to have at least one “dream date” that I’d never want to go on.

Holly, on the strength of her moonwalk in last week’s runway show, no doubt, was granted the first solo outing— a private screening of Patrick Dempsey’s upcoming romantic comedy Made of Honor. It’s not that I don’t want to see that movie, or that I’m against decadent private screenings (I remember my first one, Sylvester Stallone’s Rhinestone. Yeah, the “private” was not planned.) It’s that I would never want to walk a red carpet — let alone a fake one (pictured). What was the point of that? At least I understood why producers had them put their handprints and “Matt + Holly” in a slab of cement— so it could be delivered to the mansion and drive the other girls crazy. After Holly cried at the film, Matt took her to a rooftop suite at the Roosevelt Hotel for some confusing conversation: He finds her really attractive, but he worries that he’s too comfortable around her. Obviously, this was a dilemma that could only be solved by jumping in the hot tub, where he discovered that he was still able to make out with her. Whew!

On to the rugby group date… I had a few favorite moments. Chelsea commenting on Ashlee getting chosen last for a team was one of them: “If you wear fake eyelashes to a f—in’ rugby game, you deserve to get picked last… I didn’t mean that.” Chelsea body-checking Ashlee was another. Marshana sucking on an ice pack and mumbling “It’s fine — I’m having fun” after she got a busted lip was a moment for the highlight reel. As was winning team captain Kelly’s couples massage with Matt, during which she mounted him to give his back a working over. That woman, to borrow the term Noelle coined for herself, is just a matter-of-time girl. After Robin hit the hot tub with Matt for another makeout session — and he pretended to be interested in having a conversation with Amanda while Noelle and Kristine looked on like two shy girls sitting in the bleachers during a slow song at a high school dance — Robin was awarded a rose.

After the jump, Shayne gets her one-on-one… with Holly’s spray tan machine!

addCredit(“The Bachelor: Adam Larkey”)

While the other girls were playing Rugby, Shayne was at the mansion with Holly, suffering. “I’m dying. I need to tan so bad,” she said. Turns out Holly somehow brought a spray tan machine with her and though she didn’t want the other girls to know about it, offered to give Shayne a coat. I guess Shayne isn’t on this show to further her acting career, because that scene was RIDICULOUS. I wonder if producers had to beg to film that, or if Shayne was happy to be shown with a black bar across her va-jay-jay? Regardless, Shayne was ready for her one-on-one with Matt — wine-tasting, dinner, and snuggling by a fire. Matt always has a strange smile on his face when she’s talking. I don’t really think that he buys a word she says, I just think he wants to enjoy the “ultimate L.A. sex kitten” while he can and finds the moments when she’s trying to hide who she is as amusing as the ones that reveal it, i.e. “This is my top 5, right here. I’m into cars, shoes, ohmygod, handbags, sunglasses, and watches. I think if you have all those five, it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing on your body.” Matt gave her a rose because when he’s making out with her, he feels 16 again. When he watched the way she flipped her head around after he asked her if she’d accept that rose, I wonder if he felt like she was pretending to be in a movie. (I did.)

The real drama this episode, of course, took place at the mansion, where Robin staked her claim on Matt by first talking so confidently about their relationship that she gave Amanda the meeps, then advising Noelle to go home if she doesn’t think that Matt is paying enough attention to her, then stealing Matt away from Amy (whose name I admittedly had to look up). I thought Matt should’ve told Robin he’d find her when he was done talking with Amy, but considering he sent Amy home last night, he clearly welcomed the interruption. Still, the other girls were right to tell Robin that it was not acceptable, especially since she already had a rose. Robin said it’s every woman for herself. “If everybody’s running the same race, only one person can win. You can’t be like, ‘Okay, we tie. We’ll have a threesome.’ What? Marriage doesn’t work like that. It’s marriage.” But, you know, you can “fight” for your man, and still fight fairly.

In the end, Matt sent hot dog vendor Erin and personal trainer Kristine (who still managed to be composed even when she was crying) packing along with Amy. Personally, I’m more worried about the girls who stuck around. Holly looked so smitten when she cooed “He just told me he missed me. And we kissed. And it was good.” (Kinda reminded me of that scene in Father of the Bride, where Steve Martin imagines his daughter, as a little girl, saying she met a boy and is getting married.) Holly’s gonna get hurt. And though I’m a fan of Chelsea’s, she’s gonna scare Matt off if she keeps telling him that he’s what she thinks about when she wakes up and when she goes to sleep. (This is why those girls need a TV in that mansion!)

Now that we’re down to the final nine, who’s your favorite? Are you still hot for Matt, or has his ability to miss two women while kissing a third turned you off?

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