The 10 hottest topics for the week of March 28, 2008

1 Mike Myers says he’s been on ”an informal spiritual quest” since 1991
Well, gee: Would a more formal spiritual quest have spared us The Cat in the Hat?

2 George Clooney won’t return to ER
But Anthony Edwards will return, in a Shyamalanic twist, as the ghost of ”Goose.”

3 Lindsay Lohan blames a lack of focus for rehab stint
Unlike the laserlike concentration she now puts into nude dead-celebri-drag.

4 After kissing Bollywood star in public last year, Richard Gere is allowed back into India
Gere is delighted to be welcomed to a country where the kinkiest story about him is that he kissed somebody.

5 Smithsonian Channel to investigate the ”true story” of Indiana Jones
Meanwhile, the Making Crap Up Channel finds out what really happened when E.T. landed in California.

6 Pregnant Minnie Driver looks forward to being ”fat and happy”
We all do, Minnie. And we usually end up being half right.

7 Halle Berry delivers a baby girl, failing to ”stay pregnant forever” as she’d hoped
And she’s counting on her next fetus to have the tenacity to hang in there at least until puberty.

8 Melissa Joan Hart gives birth
Not that you’d notice, with all the Minnie/Halle hype. This is what happens when your publicist doesn’t clear a weekend.

9 Years after a pushy screenwriter told her she wasn’t ”a real actress,” Jenna Fischer says she wishes she’d threatened to pee on him
She’s just now figuring out what my witty, incontinent cat has known for years.

10 Mariah Carey: ”I understand that people think I’m a ditzy moron.”
But does she understand why people think that?

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