The 10 hottest topics for the week of March 14, 2008

1 Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen announce plans to write a fashion book
It’s called How to Dress Without a Mirror.

2 Oscar-nominated Ellen Page drops out of horror movie due to ”scheduling conflicts”
Specifically, she’s scheduled to be too famous to star in horror movies.

3 American Idol contestant was reportedly a stripper
One male stripper out of seven seasons is pretty good, actually.

4 Carly Simon signs with Starbucks
The coffee giant will close for three hours so employees can accustom their bodies to hearing ”You’re So Vain” every 20 minutes for eight hours a day.

5 Gillian Anderson finds it hard to get back into character as Agent Scully for X-Files movie
”I can’t remember: Was I the skeptical one, the pregnant one, or the Catholic one? All three? Yeah, that sounds about right.”

6 The Cardigans say they’d fail as a band in today’s market
”Also, we’re building a time machine so we can go back and kill ourselves before we write ‘Lovefool.”’

7 Former FBI agent says Hells Angels tried to assassinate Mick Jagger in 1969
But they just ended up making out with him.

8 As the World Turns fans demand more gay kissing
Buck up, conservatives: Next week, we’ll learn they weren’t gay after all — just evil twins!

9 Dermot Mulroney to star in organ-harvesting thriller
Sadly, they’re not calling it My Best Friend’s Kidneys.

10 Mariah Carey says ”Yes, we can!” to Barack Obama
Even though he would only require that 70 percent of Americans watch Glitter, whereas Hillary Clinton would mandate Glitter for all.

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