Piers Morgan, The Apprentice (Season 7)

“This is the biggest slaughter in the history of The Apprentice,” declared The Donald to the losing team, Empresario, just moments before the boardroom turned into a complete circus. (Hmm, that gives me an idea: what about a reality show called Celebrity Circus! Oh wait, that’s literally a show on NBC’s summer schedule. Go figure.)

So the circus came to town when a triumphant Piers, whose team won by a landslide in an art-selling challenge, decided to put his two cents in about why Omarosa never belonged on the show in the first place. “It’s called Celebrity Apprentice,” he explained. “If you are a genuine celebrity, then you do have the power to pick up the phone and get money out of people. I have believed from the start that Omarosa was here by default….” She retorted, “I’m here because Mr. Trump invited me, and if you keep saying that to him you’re going to be questioning his judgment. And I actually trust his judgment.” Is it bad that I think she had a valid point? Sometimes I wonder why Omarosa isn’t putting her money where her mouth is as a big-time lawyer grilling criminals, instead of as a reality-show contestant grilling (or whining about) her opponents. (Oh, and if you’re wondering, your regular TV Watcher, Kate, is on assignment, so instead you’ve got me as your commentator this week. Yay you!)

Piers continued to rub his big win in Empresario’s face (which,let’s be honest, is to be expected of him) and even suggested to Trumpthat he should fire two people. This cocky attitude seemed to have lita match under the O’s butt because as soon as Hydra was dismissed byTrump, she started making all sorts of ballsy claims about Piers —specifically about his sexuality. “I think he’s in the closet, I reallydo,” she said to The Donald. Trump, seemingly incredibly bothered bythis statement, then asked aloud to the powers that be, “Excuse me,does Piers want to come back in here and defend himself?” Luckily,Piers didn’t play into the drama too much — I can’t take anymore of theOmarosa vs Piers Battle of ’08 anymore! — and lightheartedly reenteredthe boardroom, kissed Trace smack dab on the cheek and walked rightout. Trace was a little stunned, but otherwise, I’d say the joke workednicely.

Going back just a little bit, this week the teams were instructed to choose an artist from the Moti Hasson Galleryand then sell the artist’s work at a chosen price point. But before Iget into how the challenge panned out and ended up the “biggestslaughter in the history of The Apprentice,” (yeah, I’m justgoing to keep repeating that phrase for emphasis. I’m obviouslylearning a lot from The Donald), can we please discuss the gathering inthe golden Trump apartment? “Some people consider it to be the greatestapartment in the world,” he told the teams. “I would never ever saythat myself, but it’s certainly a nice apartment.” Um, Donald, you justsaid it. (Can you hear it now: “Most people tell me Ihave great hair, but you know that’s not something I would everadmit.”) Also, how has 18-month-old Barron already inherited thatserious I’m-about-to-tell-you-you’re-fired look? And is hemajoring in finance in nursery school or something because what childthat age knows how to pronounce the words “business” and “house” betterthan he can “hello”?

Anyway, the teams chose their respective artists. Hydra (led byPiers) took on Shirley Shor and priced her pieces starting at $10,000,and Empresario (led by Omarosa) went the opposite route by going withDavid Kramer, whose lower minimum sale amount allowed them to set aprice range ($2,000 – $5,000) that would hopefully give them a betterchance of recruiting donors. The best part of the deliberating overartists? Trace’s admission that he detests a certain kind of art. “It’snot hard for me if I was going on my own personal taste,” he told thecamera. “There are only a couple of them that I even get. The rest of’em is that abstract three-year-old-threw-up-on-a-canvas kind of stuff.I don’t like that stuff.” Amen to that!

Empresario’s plan was seemingly working out pretty nicely with theirwing — thanks to Omarosa directing people toward it — and seeing a lotof foot traffic. We even saw Trace sell two pieces almost immediately.Things took a turn for the worse, though, when one of Stevie B.’scontacts was persuaded by Carol to buy artwork from her. I still justdon’t get why Stephen didn’t try to stop him instead of standing therelooking mesmerized by the transaction and saying, “Be careful.”

In the end, Hydra earned a whopping $164,000 by selling 14 out of their 20 pieces, and Empresario in — all together now —the “biggest slaughter in the history of The Apprentice” earned only$7,000 for selling a mere three out of 16 pieces of their art. There’sno doubt Omarosa should’ve been fired for this one, but I don’t think Iwould’ve protested too much if it had been Stephen, due to his lack ofsalesmanship.

So, P-Dubs, tell me: Are you happy with the results of this week’sshow? Are you gunning for Trace to win like I am? Where the heck wasPiers’ contact, Hell’s Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsey? Finally, what was up with Omarosa’s ’60s go-go girl look last night?