The 10 hottest topics for the week of February 29, 2008

1 In upcoming film, Catherine Zeta-Jones dances in midriff-baring belly-dance costume
Sadly, this is the logical next step in her ”midriff crisis.”

2 Mary-Louise Parker reportedly engaged to Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Rats. I had a fiver on Mary Kay Place and Harry Dean Stanton.

3 Spike Lee says ”Do the Right Thing” and vote Obama
Across town, John Carpenter said Obama would mean ”Big Trouble in Little China.”

4 ”Britney’s Law” would establish a paparazzi-free ”personal safety zone” around celebrities
Having your own law named after you is going to be the 21st-century version of receiving a star on the Walk of Fame.

5 Lindsay Lohan re-creates Marilyn Monroe photo shoot
She also wanted to marry America’s most celebrated playwright, but none of her advisers knew who that was.

6 Joel Madden says daughter Harlow is more partial to mama Nicole Richie because ”all she does is eat”
Hearing this, Paris immediately texted Harlow on her baby cellphone: ”piggy piggy.”

7 Director wants Nicole Kidman to play Valerie Plame in biopic
Rumors? Intrigue? Questions about her marriage? This’ll be a snap.

8 Bai Ling arrested for allegedly shoplifting $16 worth of batteries and celebrity magazines
Guess she didn’t see herself in them and wanted that to change, like, immediately.

9 Steven Spielberg drops his involvement in 2008 Olympics
This really opens up the floor-exercise category.

10 Miley Cyrus apologizes for not wearing seat belt in movie
Miley blamed ”Hannah” by saying, ”Hannah sometimes makes me do bad things,” and displaying, as proof, a dead drifter in her trunk.