The good folks at MGA Entertainment were kind enough to send me a “Sienna” doll (from the America’s Next Top Model collection) last Friday — accompanied by a note in which she declared herself “fierce” and a threat to win the competition. (Now that I’ve renamed her “Hellaciouse,” maybe she’s got a chance). Anyway, while I’m still secretly hoping for a Tascha doll to arrive before Wednesday’s Top Model season premiere, I went ahead and spent part of my President’s Day vacation trying to get my kitchen sink to look like the swimming pool at the Top Doll house. How could I have anticipated the bitchery that would follow? Let’s pick up the episode already in progress…

Hawaiielle: Oh, oh, omigod! What is she doing?

Hellaciouse: Looks like that dumb tramp is ripping off her clothes. Again.

Audrexinia: WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Hawaiielle: Audrexinia, as a deeply religious, small-town girl, I do not approve of your inebriated display of nakedness.

Audrexinia: I’m not ashamed. Don’t forget, Jesus made THESE!!! Well, Jesus and Dr. Steinberg.

Hellaciouse: Yeah, flash ’em, girl!

Hawaiielle: Don’t encourage her.

Hellaciouse: Oh, Hawaiielle, everyone knows that bald-headed lush is going home tomorrow. Let her have her fun while she can.

Audrexinia: Hey, I was not even trying to put my head in a tiger’s mouth!

Hellaciouse: Let me tell you something: A Top Model is always ready for her closeup. A Top Model doesn’t leave the house without full hair and makeup. A Top Model doesn’t take off her high heels — not even at poolside. And a Top Model doesn’t hesitate to taunt a hungry, enraged carnivore if that’s what the photo shoot requires.

Audrexinia: And does a Top Model have a two-pack-a-day habit, you smoke-infested hag?

Hellaciouse: Well at least my sweat hasn’t turned the swimming pool into a gin and tonic.

Audrexinia: Well at least my weave doesn’t look like a busted ball of yarn.

Hellaciouse: Well at least I have a weave. If that’s a Mia Farrowbob you’re rockin’, Baldie, then maybe Hawaiielle really is a size four.

Hawaiielle: Hey! What’d I ever do to you?

Hellaciouse: You and your plus-sized rainbow muumuu are blocking my sun, that’s what. Now take a hike!

[Hawaiielle dashes back into the Top Doll house in tears. Hellaciouse and Audrexinia giggle.]

Audrexinia: What a lightweight.

Hellaciouse: Lightweight? In her dreams!

[Hellaciouse and Audrexinia burst into fits of laughter.]

Episode Recaps

Trya Banks
America's Next Top Model

Tyra Banks searches for the next great supermodel

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