The 10 hottest topics for the week of February 15, 2008

1 Sylvester Stallone gets two-picture deal
Under the terms of the deal, Stallone will agree not to make Rhinestone and Robin or Grumpy Old Cobra.

2 Angelina Jolie says she doesn’t know how to turn on a computer
After spending all night downloading Beowulf for that one CGI nude scene, my computer grouchily agrees.

3 Spice Girls to end world tour early, due to family commitments
Apparently, mass apathy now counts as a ”family commitment.”

4 NASA beams Beatles song ”Across the Universe” into space
Some experts worry that it may provoke a hostile reaction in aliens, who are widely theorized to be Stones people.

5 Celeb foodie Nigella Lawson denies she’s cutting her kids from her will
Technically, she’s dicing them from her will, then searing them in hot olive oil.

6 Wesley Snipes cleared of tax fraud
Still, on Snipes’ request, there will be a pro forma cross-country chase, pitting the actor against grizzled U.S. Marshals.

7 Man pleads guilty to robbing Lost star Josh Holloway
And that man…turned out to be his own dead father! [Trombone glissando!]

8 Newlywed Katharine McPhee confirms her predilection for older men by marrying a 42-year-old
This has dashed the hopes of her mature single-male fan base, the so-called McPheebles.

9 Amy Winehouse campaigns to save pub
Move over, Hayden Panettiere: Here’s our new Jane Fonda, as refurbished by H.R. Giger.

10 David Letterman apologizes to Paris Hilton
He’s signed a separate non-mockery agreement with her, in return for her continued unwitting self-mockery.

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