I have buckets of skill. Really. My bowl of worthless talents runneth over. And with all the new reality shows snapping at me like wet towels, I thought I’d take this opportunity to share with you some of my many useless abilities. Surely there must be some network interested in exploiting me for monetary gain.

I can eat an entire Entenmann’s Crumb Cake (ultimate or original, you pick) in under three and a half minutes. According to the box, there are six servings per cake. I’ve always considered serving size less of a suggestion and more of a challenge. I imagine this skill would be useful for a show like Biggest Eater or Hunger: The Search for America’s Most Insatiable Appetite. In my opinion, there are too many shows about exercise and not nearly enough shows encouraging obesity. Now, hand me that deep-fried Oreo.

I can bounce on a pogo stick, hands-free, while simultaneouslydribbling two basketballs and whistling the score of any Disney movieof your choosing. I can also make lay-ups, three-pointers, and theoccasional slam dunk while pogo’ing, and virtually no one believes meuntil I say, ”Oh yeah? I’ll prove it,” like a snot-nosed nine-year-old. Shouldn’t this skill be celebrated in some short of nationally televised forum?

I am very good at inadvertently hurting myself. I can predict lottonumbers seconds before they are announced. I instinctively know when tohit the car brakes without ever watching the road. I am excellent atopening tightly sealed jars. I can catch things with my eyes closed. Idemonstrate commendable precision and accuracy when using scissors. Imake very attractive paper airplanes that cannot fly. How aboutyou….do you find yourself wishing for a reality series to takeadvantage of your unremarkable talents? Pitch your fantasy reality showhere!