By Michael Slezak
September 28, 2007 at 10:14 PM EDT

I could spend all afternoon griping about Big Shots,which premiered last night in the coveted post-Grey’s timeslot on ABC. But inthe interest of not giving too much attention to a show that’s a horrible fitwith its extremely popular, female-friendly lead-in, I’ll try to limit mycomplaints to a top-five list. (And be sure to look for our critic’s official take in an upcoming issue of EW): 

1) The show is inhabited mostly by characters whom I want to punch in the face: Take Christopher Titus’s Brody, ranting against theeager-to-please country-club waiter about his incorrect usage of the word”shrimps,” then suddenly getting all smiley and asking if the guycould (ugh) “hook a brother up?” Or how about Dylan McDermott’s Duncan declaring men gothrough three rites of passage: losing their virginity, having their firstthree-way, and discovering their wives are cheating on them?

2) Dialog that’s equal parts forced and nonsensical: Ihad to suppress a groan when Jessica Collins (trying gamely as clingy mistressMarla) was forced to deliver the line, “What kind of man would be sodeceitful as to lie to the woman he’s cheating on his wife with?” Firstrunner-up: Duncan’sretort to his friends’ suggestion that he should re-marry his ex-wife:”Yeah, right, then sex in the wine cellar becomes ‘Don’t touch me, I’mexfoliating!'” Wha?

addCredit(“Big Shots: Scott Garfield”)

3) Audio and visual cues that wouldn’t be amusing, evenif they weren’t so obvious: Did you hear the cabaret singer belting “I’m aWoman” when Dontelle was leaving the country club? Or notice the way Duncan popped a cigar inhis mouth when he was regaling the boys about his encounter with said trannyhooker?

4) Joshua Malina’s go-to facial expression: You know, thepained-but-hilarious “D’oh! Look I’m stuck between my wife and my mistress!”look? Except that it’s just painful, and not hilarious at all.

5) The charismatic duo of Michael Vartan (pictured) and Nia Long gettingstuck here, instead of an actual program I’d enjoy watching.

Also, McDermott’s character talks with his mouth full,and it’s disgusting. I know, I know, that’s six things I hate about Big Shots. (AndI didn’t even get to its woeful view of womankind in general.) So dole out yourpunishment, PopWatchers. It can’t be worse than watching the show again. Eitherthat, or keep adding to my list in the comments section below.