1 Drew Carey injures himself on Price Is Right turntable
I won’t go into horrific detail, but he is now both spayed and neutered.
2 Idol hopeful goes into labor during audition, names baby Idol
Expect some sibling rivalry from big sister America’s Got Talent and brother Cable Access Puppet Show.
3 50 Cent reportedly says he’ll end his solo career if Kanye West outsells him
Confusing matters, John McCain released a statement declaring he’s still in the race.
4 Jaime Pressly says she likes to hang out in strip clubs
She loves the wings.
5 French teenager won’t be sued for pirate translation of Harry Potter
Great! I’m only halfway through Harrr-y Potter and the Single-Payer Health-Care System.
6 Dina and Michael Lohan reportedly close to divorce settlement
Looks like Lindsay’s life can start getting back to normal.
7 Eddie Van Halen kisses David Lee Roth
A real kiss. Not that back-in-a-jiff peck he used to give Cherone.
8 Brad Pitt does jury duty
”I, Brad Pitt, find myself guilty of first-degree hunkiness,” he declared, shortly before being excused.
9 Notorious B.I.G. movie announces open casting call
It’s being held by Suge Knight, who requests that applicants come alone.
10 Leonardo DiCaprio says there’s hope for the environment
In a last-ditch attempt to lower global temperatures, he will leave Earth to take his hotness to a distant, all-female ice planet.