The comic offers three reasons not to watch his special

By Dan Snierson
August 17, 2007 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. ”If you believe it’s a good thing for mankind to violate small woodland creatures, this special isn’t for you. Man should not have sex with goats, turtles, starfish, praying mantises, porcupines — which is obvious — and ostriches, and I’m not scared to tell that to my audience at great length, or as long as the laughs will go.”

2. ”If you thought the jokes I did as host of America’s Funniest Home Videos were cutting-edge line-crossers, you will dissolve at the end of this special, much like the Germans in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And if you do a shot every time I drop the F-bomb, you’ll need to call 911 by the time I pick up the guitar. It does get cleaner — kind of — with a song I wrote called ‘My Dog Licked My Balls.”’

3. ”If you enjoyed the brightly lit AFV stage, where I would stand every week while people got hit in the nuts in the worst grainy footage you could barely decipher, you will not enjoy my special, because it’s in high-def. Not only can you see me in focus, you can study how I’ve aged. If there is a tiny bit of a turkey neck that has grown, it’s the actual size of the turkey neck on a 50-inch flat screen in high-def. It ain’t right what’s happened to me physically.”