By Gregory Kirschling
Updated August 13, 2007 at 12:00 PM EDT

If Star Wars IV: A New Hope does not count, then what’s the greatest fourquel — that is, third sequel — in movie history? That’s easy: Indiana Jones IV. Although Spielberg is still shooting it, and the movie doesn’t come out till next May, I already know it’s gonna be the best fourquel anybody’s ever seen. I’m a believer.

After all, the only competition I can think of off the top of my head is Thunderball, or maybe Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. That’s because fourquels are tough. Even when they’re decent — a word that perfectly describes both Lethal Weapon IV (hey, I liked it!) and Live Free or Die Hard — they’re still not quite as good as the three movies that preceded them. Most fourquels, actually, are horrible — see Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Jaws: The Revenge, The Next Karate Kid, etc.

Jurassic Park IV, to judge from what says it has uncovered about the upcoming production, looks like it will proudly carry on the hallowed tradition of fourquel suckage. The website reports that Sam Neill — who turned up for Jurassic Park III — is sitting this one out, but Laura Dern’s paleobotanist Ellie Sattler (pictured) will be back. What’s noteworthy is the claim that the movie is about how the government “has trained dinosaurs to carry weapons and use them for battle purposes.” So velociraptors will be strapped, gangsta-style? No way. This can’t be true, can it? But if it is, T-Rex needs to travel exclusively via jet-pack.

addCredit(“Jurassic Park: Everett Collection”)