By Chris Schonberger
Updated June 26, 2007 at 12:00 PM EDT

Summer bio-chem classes across the country had only one thingon the curriculum last night: Tuning into the Ageof Love / Science of Lovedoubleheader on NBC. The experiments conducted on these two shows — one pitting “cougars” against “kittens” inthe battle for a man’s heart, the other positing that Science (with a capitalS) can prevail over human instinct — promised to tell us more about love than anytextbook ever could. What did we learn? Let’s check the lab reports that justcame back to the offices:

Title: Age of Love: Week Two
Subject: Formerpro tennis player Mark Philippoussis (pictured, right), 30
Purpose: Determinewhether the subject prefers his likely mates as: (A) 40-and-over cougars, or (B) thirty-and-under kittens.
Procedure: (1)Place subject in Jacuzzi withbikini-clad kittens. (2) Rest subject. (3) Place subject in retro roller-rinkwith cougars. (4) Play Dance DanceRevolution.
Observations andData:
Last week, we tested Mark’s base levels of attraction to older women,finding that when the juice is worth the squeeze, our subject cares little forthe ripeness of the fruit. This week, we offset the control group by adding sixyoung women to the field of potential mates. After Mark’s initial excitement atmeeting the kittens in their bikinis, a hush fell over Centre Court and — to borrow a phrase that probablyfeatures prominently on some of their Facebook profiles — “s— gotawkward.” Mark suddenly realized that it is difficult to converse withgirls who make introductions like, “I am very funny. I have greatmorals and great ideas. And I need an intellectual challenge.” More difficult when their breasts resemble two novelty-sized tennis balls. Asthe subject noted during his psychological exam, “I think I concentratedharder on [keeping my eyes off her chest] than I did on some tennis matches!”

This experiment left Mark yearning for the motherly touch ofa cougar. To ease his separation anxiety, he was taken to the roller disco anddressed up like Wesley Jonathan in RollBounce. The rink was like Ponce de Leon’s fountain to the cougars, wholapped at the trough of youth with great vigor.

Finally, the cougars were introduced to the surprisevisitors, and they just laughed and laughed and laughed to fight back the tearsof depression. If you combined the ages of all the women at the pool, itequaled…300! Maybe not, but there wasdefinitely a “tonight we dine in reality-TV hell!” vibe looming overthe elimination ceremonies…
Next Step Place cougars and kittens inconfined space to observe behavioral changes.
Analysis Pendingfinal results.
MarkPhilippoussis likes fake boobs.

Read about The Science of Love after the jump.

Title: Science of Love
Subject: KansasCity Chiefs tight end Adam Johnson (pictured, left), 27
Purpose: Determinewhich is better at matchmaking: instinct or science. (Note: By using ascientific model to prove the validity of Science itself, we have placedourselves in a tricky “chicken vs. egg” situation. But no worries:It’s obvious the chicken came first. Everyone knows that, it’s just a thingpeople say.)
Procedure: Allowsubject to go on two dates. One potential mate will be chosen by thesubjectfrom a pool of 50 women, taking into account his likes and dislikes. Asecond will bechosen scientifically, from the 50 million single women in the UnitedStates, utilizing a series of tests including handwriting analysis anda polygraph exam.
Observations &Data:
Adam’s instincts helped him choose Nina, an enormous bitch who hatesalmost everything. They also told him to take her to the Rose Bowl and forceher to bend over in front of him for the purposes of “hiking a football.”(Hey man, do what you feel. It’s just a date, not rocket science!) After that,it was dinner and some dirty dancing, followed by champagne and strawberries inthe VIP room. Pure class.

Meanwhile, Casey Dee, a.k.a. “the One,” emergedfrom the matrix of single women as Science’s pinup girl — a test tube babyraised in a little Petri dish called Her “datingprofile” was compatible with all of scientific preferences unearthed byAdam’s tests. (Presumably, she made her own profile using her instincts, thuscorrupting the data. Oh well, we’ll just put “+/– 3 percent”at the end like usual and no one will care!) Since every aspect of the date wasengineered by Science to maximize attraction, the two subjects didn’t even haveto really interact like normal humans. They could just sit back and let Sciencego to work. Science says walk on thebeach. “Cool, no problem, buddy.” Science says go bungee jumping. “Whatever you say, younutcase!” Science says stare deeplyinto one another’s eyes for 10 minutes. You’re so creepy, Science! But whoare we to deny your miraculous powers?
U + Me =Calculus. Science = Love (+/– 3 percent)
60 percent ofthe time, Science works. Casey Dee and Adam are going to makeexperiments together!

My own instincts tell me to never watch another dating showagain. But NBC’s scientists keep telling me I like them. What’s next? The Color of Love? I’m no match for this brave new world…