By Annie Barrett
Updated June 01, 2007 at 12:00 PM EDT

I’m not sure how the hell I missed the premiere of E!’s Sunset Tan, but luckily, our totally bronzed friends at Best Week Ever compiled a short clip series of why this show marks the turning point of civilization. (We’re falling down. Had you any idea?) You can read their footnotes to the 10 the-world-is-about-to-end “dings” at BWE, or just watch the video with squinted eyes (as if you’re tanning!) and sink lower and lower into your chair as humanity falters. This is just horrible, horrible parenting. You can bet your ass I won’t take my future Oompa-Loompas to the tanning salon until they’re at least 10.

I wonder if I were to breed with Willy Wonka, could we have an Oompa-Loompa? That just seems like something that could happen. Split-screen forthcoming! Not really.

Don’t you want to look like Lindsay Lohan? And I know he’s just a pawn in the operation, but how can we murder “Nick” and make it look like an accident?