By Daniel Fierman
Updated May 17, 2007 at 07:14 PM EDT
Credit: John Shearer/

And so it begins. The sleepless nights. The big stars. The soul-crushing hangovers and surreal hallucinations. (Did I really just seeJerry Seinfeld dressed up as a bee? Why yes, I did.) Survival requiresa strong liver, a healthy sense of humor, and a first rate wingman.Cannes, after all, is the only festival where I’ve ever had to politelyinform a colleague that he was on fire. So this year, Missy Schwartzhas been nice enough to tag along — you’ll be hearing from hershortly — and immediately proved her mettle by offering to be a humanshield between me and some nationally well known critics in case I fellasleep during the first big movie, Wong Kar-Wai’s My Blueberry Nights.

And yes. I did fall asleep. And no, I’m not apologizing for it.From what everyone said, I didn’t miss much anyway. (My memory is fuzzyand consists only of a lot of Norah Jones moping around, creepy eroticshots of blueberry pie in close-up, and Natalie Portman with ridiculousfake bazoombas.) Oh, well. The first flick is usually awful anyway — aFrench tradition right up there with strong coffee, short skirts, andgoing on strike at the drop of the hat — but everyone seemed prettybummed that it was last year’s jury chairman and longtime EW hero Wong who took the ceremonial dive into the deep end of an empty pool.

addCredit(“Jerry Seinfeld: John Shearer/”)

Things got a lot better this morning when Jerry Seinfeld andChris Rock showed up with some footage from Bee Movie, which looksfreakin’ hilarious. But then, poor saps, they had to sit and takequestions from dimwitted international journalists asking things like:

This is what Jerry Seinfeld came out of retirement for? REALLY? Hey,here’s a handy piece advice to anyone thinking about asking a questionanytime, ever, during the duration of their lives. DO NOT TRY ANDOUTFUNNY COMEDIANS.

Just don’t. It’s bad for me. It’s bad for you. The karma will followyou forever. And who knows, some snide, brutally hung-over colleaguemight just put it in his freakin’ blog. And wouldn’t that suck?

So, what do you guys want to know about Cannes?