By Annie Barrett
Updated April 26, 2007 at 12:00 PM EDT

If you read today’s News Roundup, you know that the FCC is suddenly in a tizzy over TV violence. Its report, ”In the Matter of Violent Television Programming and Its Impact on Children,” proposes that instead of selling channels in bundles like they do now, cable providers should sell programming on “an a la carte basis.” That way, the government won’t have to get involved directly, and the cable industry can be responsible for your kids’ nightmares about CSI: Miami.

I’d just like to pause a moment and say I’m so glad TV has become a restaurant! Tonight I’ll have the spinach, cornbread, and Game Show Network… fine, and the scalloped potatoes au gratin. Twist my arm, Time Warner Cable of NYC. You a nut!

We have an easier solution for parents: Just make everyone under 18 use a Weemote (pictured). Your bratty teenagers will be so mesmerized by the colorful buttons reminiscient of a cartoon artist’s palette that they won’t give a damn that you just took away their MTV2!

Would you take advantage of a la carte cable, or do you wish the networks would just make TV less violent? Or both? Or neither — after all, every 10-year-old’s gotta learn eventually about how awesome the New Jersey mafia is. Total milestone, man.