By Michael Slezak
Updated April 23, 2007 at 11:07 PM EDT

Three cheers for Sheryl Crow, who just completed an admirable “Stop Global Warming College Tour,” during which she blogged about ways to save the environment. That said, I have no choice but to pooh-pooh some of her more radical eco-conscious suggestions, such as putting a limit on “how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting,” which yielded an awesome headline in The Register: “Wipe your arse less, suggests Sheryl Crow.”

Seriously, though, Crow’s plan would not only require the formation of a National Toilet Police (“Please don’t come in! I’m in the stall!”) but it’s just plain nasty. In protest, I’ve rewritten the lyrics to her 2002 hit, “Soak Up the Sun” as a pro-T.P. anthem. Click here if you need musical accompaniment while you belt it from your cubicle.

My friend, the ecologist
Says toilet paper’s harmin’
This lovely Earth of ours
But I really need my Charmin

I love the polar bears
But I can’t use just one square
Can’t we save the rain forest,
With sparkling derrieres?

I want a super clean bum
I’m gonna tell everyone
To lighten up
I’m gonna tell ’em that
If there has to be blame
Why combine it with shame?
Are you folks nuts?
I want a super clean bum

I may be bound for hell
‘Cause I bulk-buy Cottonelle
Tend to use it with abandon
Please Sheryl don’t you yell

Every time I’m on the can
Can’t think about a global plan
Read Us and Star, yes it’s a sin
But they end up in recycle bins
And isn’t that a global win?

I want a super clean bum
I’m gonna tell everyone
To lighten up
I’m gonna tell ’em that
Yes, I’m so down with Al Gore
But deep down in my core
I want a super clean bum

addCredit(“Sheryl Crow: Nancy Ostertag/Getty Images”)