By Michael Slezak
Updated April 23, 2007 at 07:10 PM EDT

Dear Scully,

I just read your interview in the London Telegraph, the one where the interviewer asked you if you’d ever return to series television, and you gave an answer that made my blood pressure spike and my hands go a little clammy. If you need your memory refreshed, you spat up some insufferable comment along the lines of, “Oh, shut the [bleep] up! Are you kidding me? My God, I don’t even watch television. I don’t like television. I never have liked it. The whole concept of sitting down in front of a TV feels like one of the things that’s destroying society, as far as I’m concerned.”

Now, I could go on a verbose rant about how you made a name for yourself (and plenty of money) helping to destroy the society you’re now so staunchly defending while you spent nine seasons starring on The X-Files. (Also, there was that very fine version of Dickens’ Bleak House you made for the BBC and Masterpiece Theater two years ago. What was that, chopped liver?) But instead, I actually want to help you, Gillian, because I’m a fan of your work — in everything from your addictive Fox drama to your recent turn in The Last King of Scotland. Actually, if I’m being honest, I want to help you but also point out how very, very, very wrong and foolish you are.

So here goes. I challenge you to tune in to Ugly Betty on Thursday and tell me it doesn’t fill you with all the tingly joy you’d get at the end of a good Broadway musical. On the same night, I double-dog-dare you to DVR (don’t front — you know what that stands for) 30 Rock and tell me it doesn’t pack more laughs into 30 minutes than the average big-screen comedy does into 120. Also, for a study in how TV is often more thrilling and chilling than any big-screen blockbuster, take an hour to watch Lost on Wednesday. And finally, tonight, I insist you catch The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman tonight, because sometimes, your brain needs a bag of Cheetos as badly as your taste buds.

Also, you kiss your kids with that filthy mouth? Booo!


p.s. BTW, Sculls, I’m not gonna even mention Idol, ’cause I know you’re already on Team Jordin. Psych!

addCredit(“The X-Files: Everett Collection”)