Scott Brown doles out more accolades to Oscar night's participants

By Scott Brown
March 02, 2007 at 05:00 AM EST

Most Allegedly Naked
Crazy dancers Pilobolus

Most Actually Naked
Jack Nicholson’s impeccably Steiger’d scalp

Most Thankfully Restored Hair
Tom Hanks’

Best Implied Catfight
Emily Blunt and Anne ”Wasn’t I the star of Prada? ” Hathaway

Most Green
With Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio around, it’s a squeaker, but I’m giving it to Jennifer Hudson for wearing those solar collectors on her shoulders. Once inside, did they warm the canapés on the buffet?

Most Missed Greene

The Nosferatu
Awarded to the most vampiric Oscar participant. Early on, it is a lock for fashion correspondent André Leon Talley: cape and cane by Dracula, sunglasses by Ray-Ban.

The Nosfera-two
Oh, my Goth, Eva Green has joined the ranks of the undead. As has Gael García Bernal’s hair.

The Nosfera-three
Philip Seymour Hoffman may also be a vampire. Or else he’s been living out of a vampire’s car.

Most Disturbing Animated Penguin
You know the one. With its dead eyes. Like dolls’ eyes.

Most Squirm-Inducing
Chris Connelly, for the comment ”We’ve got cameras and correspondents in places they’ve never been before.”

Mispronunciation We Shed Tears For
Nicole Kidman’s bizarre ”Dreamgwirls!” Say gwhat? Is that an Australian thing? Was she trying to sneak a ”G’day” in there?

Most Not Mexican
Spaniard Penélope Cruz, incorrectly identified by noted Hispanic-studies major Ellen DeGeneres.

Most Not Japanese
Infernal Affairs, the Hong Kong thriller that served as the basis for Best Picture The Departed — and the source of confusion for the Academy Awards announcer, who missed its provenance by two thousand miles.

Best Montage
In Memoriam. Dead people always kill.

Weirdest Mann-tage
Michael Mann’s subversive tribute to America on film, which somehow found room for both Steven Spielberg’s bomb 1941 and the Ku Klux Klan.

Most Presidential
Frighteningly, Forest Whitaker — in full-intensity, charismatic dictator mode. Transfixed, we would’ve followed him ”into the next life”!

Best-Dressed Lesbian
Melissa Etheridge

Biggest Republican Nightmare
The aforementioned lesbian singing a folk song about global warming, while messages like ”Use light rail + mass transit” flashed across the backdrop. Later, Etheridge would thank her ”incredible wife” and Al Gore in the same breath.

Best Use of Gary Oldman’s Dracula Drag
Jackie Earle Haley

Proof That Valium Works
The Departed‘s winning screenwriter William Monahan, initially quite chill.

Proof That Valium Wears Off
Monahan moments later, as time ran short on his acceptance speech and he grew visibly stoked.

Unkindest Cut
To Jennifer Lopez, when Ellen joked about pretending you’re from the Bronx.

Worst Play on Words
”Volverine,” a hideous elision of ”Wolverine” and ”Volver” concocted for Hugh Jackman and Penélope Cruz’s joint presentation. Sounds like Listerine for your…boxy Swedish station wagon.

Most Weirdly Sepulchral-Sounding
The ”Nominee Wall,” presumably commemorating all the nominees killed in Vietnam.

Chummiest Reunion
Tom Cruise to former Paramount head Sherry Lansing: ”So…when are you coming back, do you think? I hate street parking.”

Best Impromptu Production of Victor/Victoria
Marie Antoinette‘s winning costume designer Milena Canonero

Best ABC-Provided Red-Carpet Fun Fact
”Cameron’s childhood nickname was Skeletor.” Her adult nickname, Trapjaw, will be next year’s factoid.

Eddie Murphy. Practically Vulcan. Good thing given how things went down.

Djimon Hounsou’s gleaming head

Least Creepy Old Man in the Room
Weirdly, Celine Dion’s husband. Who’d have thunk it?

Winner of Final Shout-Out Tally
God, one up on Guillermo del Toro.