Scott Brown’s Hit List
1 Producer pursues stalker astronaut movie A key montage will be scored to Aerosmith’s rousing ”(I’ve Got Diapers On Cuz) I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
2 More Charlie Sheen tales surface Dare I hope for a Page-A-Day calendar?
3 R. Kelly’s appendix bursts Inside: a midget!
4 Russell Crowe banishes his rugby team’s sexily dressed cheerleaders Turns out, they’re really hard to throw at people.
5 Cartoon Network chief quits over Boston terror scare Replacing him is the less controversial Jabberjaw, a zany shark who’s always getting into scrapes.
6 Menopause the Musical sponsors Iditarod blogger It’s a daring cross-promotion that’s expected to benefit nobody.
7 Rabbi Shmuley Boteach counsels Britney Spears on website Thank God Britney has friends who care enough to share their personal interventions with the public.
8 Kylie Minogue defends ex Olivier Martinez against fan outrage over his alleged infidelities Verily, she is the Mother Teresa to Europe’s huddled masses of accused womanizers.
9 Anderson Cooper wants kids And he wants them fashioned from the same high-quality fiberglass used to make him.
10 Vanilla Ice hosts tax-themed rap contest In return, the IRS will overlook the tens of dollars he’s hiding under his bed.