Exclusive: The gag Chuck Lorre says CBS killed
Anyone who routinely watches CBS’ Two and a Half Men should know by now that creator Chuck Lorre (pictured) likes to vent via his production company’s title card that appears right after the show’s end credits. The text-heavy cards, which have taken angry potshots at critics, American Idol, the FCC –- heck, even CBS –- are often just as funny (and crude) as the sitcom itself. It’s almost impossible to read them in real time –- they go by in a flash -– but that doesn’t mean CBS gives Lorre carte blanche to write whatever he wants. In fact, Lorre wanted to run a vanity card after tonight’s episode (Feb. 5) that makes a point about critics who regularly watch his show just to make note of its vulgarity –- but, Lorre claims, CBS wouldn’t let him. Instead, he says, you’ll just see the word CENSORED in the vanity card. (CBS declined to comment.)
EW obtained the final draft exclusively for you, dear readers, so you can judge the joke for yourselves. What do you think? Was CBS right to tell Lorre no? Are you amazed at the words –- and behavior -– that pop up in Two and a Half Men and some of your favorite shows in general? Or do you wish the FCC would freakin’ take a chill pill, man, and let the networks air the F-word, already?
Follow the jump to read the vanity card Lorre says he wanted to run…
addCredit(“Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images”)
”Two and a Half Men is aware that our humor has offended some viewers with, shall we say, more delicate sensibilities. We have read your blogs, articles and postings which detail your outrage. If you are one of these viewers, and you have just watched and been appalled by tonight’s episode, I’d like to tell you the old joke about the hunter who goes into the woods to hunt for a bear.
”A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him. Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barreled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him. Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear. Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him. And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says, ‘You don’t really come out here to hunt, do ya?”’
Well, that’s the joke. Take from it what you will, with one caveat: The moral is not beware of gay bears.