By Whitney Pastorek
Updated August 03, 2020 at 08:05 PM EDT
Sundance Film Festival, Billy Baldwin
Credit: George Pimentel/

Billy Baldwin is dictating the following to me, while he prints a script here at EW headquarters:

“Sundance. Well. Let’s start with, obviously, I’m the darling of the festival. One film at Slamdance, one film at Sundance. What can I tell ya. [Long pause.] I don’t know what bothers me more about Sundance: all of the free s— that they give to the rich and famous who don’t need it, or the way that I behave when thrown into the den of swag. I can sit here and pretend that I’m above it all, but in reality, after being given free iPods and Razr telephones, jewelry and vacations, if my grandmother — may she rest in peace — stood between me and the last Philips flat screen television, I’d lay her out right on her ass for that bad boy.

“I hired a publicist to come here with me because I had two films in the festival. I figured because I had two pictures I probably would need somebody to wrangle all of the various media outlets — print, electronic, etc. She wound up becoming my swag mule, schlepping the hoards up and down Main Street so that I didn’t look like the gluttonous whore that I am in front of the throngs of media and paparazzi. Sure, I threw her a bone for her troubles — tossed her a couple of t-shirts, a hat, and a digital picture frame. I’ve got a heart. And in the final analysis, those thousands that I shelled out for this publicist turned out to be a windfall because not only did she organize my press schedule, but she also sheltered me from embarrassment and humiliation in front of the cameras by doubling as my swag mule.

“Look for American Fork and Adrift in Manhattan at a theater near you.”

See? Told you I’d get Billy Baldwin.

addCredit(“Billy Baldwin: George Pimentel/”)