By Michael Slezak
Updated January 16, 2007 at 05:58 AM EST

7:59 p.m. Anyone remember last year’s Globes’ theme song, the one they set to Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha”? How ever will they improve on lyrics like, “Hannibal Lecter is licking his lips to taste the Cecil B”?8:00 p.m. Hey, they chose Beyoncé’s “One Night Only” over J.Hud’s! Poor Effie gets put in the corner again!8:02 p.m. Don’t you love how the Globes don’t make you wait for some action? It’s time for Best Supporting Actress in a Movie. And I am telling you Jennifer Hudson had better win!8:03 p.m. WOOT! Could J.Hud be any more beautiful or deserving? “You don’t know how much this does for my confidence,” she says, then laughs, realizing she sounded unintentionally funny. And hey, she just gave props to Florence Ballard. Not that Dreamgirls is about the Supremes or anything.8:06 p.m. Literally, Beyoncé just got beat by a penguin.8:07 p.m. Justin made a funny — mocking Prince’s height. There will be karmic payback, former boy-bander.8:08 p.m. Why am I delighted by chocolate-chip cookies singing “Don’t You Want Me”? Am I on a J.Hud high?8:11 p.m. Inquiring minds want to know: When is the HFPA gonna get with it and name a Mr. Golden Globes?8:13 p.m. Slow clap. Ma-si! Ma-si!8:14 p.m. Waah-waahn. It’s Jeremy Irons for Elizabeth I. Is he wearing a nightgown under his tuxedo jacket? Anyhow, at least dude delivers a sound bite: “If you cannot support Helen Mirren you can’t support anything.”8:16 p.m. Kyra Sedgwick snags Best Actress in a TV Drama, says she’s not going to be remotely funny. She should totally spit on the floor, then yell, “You’re gonna be playing Six Degrees of Kyra Sedgwick now, beyotches!” and storm off. But she’s thanking a list of non-famous people instead. Bah! Okay, she’s totally sweet anyway.8:20 p.m. Commercial break. Anyone else wondering how Simon Cowell is gonna spin this Hudson victory? Punk!8:25 p.m. Scrunchie McZellweggie!8:26 p.m. Jack Nicholson’s all like, “Dude! I am not old!”8:27 p.m. I guess now that Tiffani Thiessen’s dropped the “Amber,” Sean Combs thinks he can drop the “Diddy”?8:28 p.m. In protest of the unforgivable snub of Vanessa L. Williams in the Best Supporting Actress (TV) category, I will not be commenting on this particular victory. No, seriously.8:31 p.m. Milo Ventimiglia, unintentionally funny with that “we’re honored to give up our time slot for the Golden Globes speech.”

8:34 p.m. “I would love to pull out an acceptance speech by Dolce & Gabbana,” jokes Best Actor in a TV Drama winner Hugh Laurie, while the evening’s remaining nominees probably wish they could pull out an acceptance speech by Laurie himself. That line about House’s crew smelling of “newly mown grass”? Almost as good as his observation that not everyone can be telling the truth when they thank their great behind-the-scenes support. “Somebody somewhere is working with a crew of drunken thieves!”8:39 p.m. Instant commercial-break poll: Anyone else hate hate hate the semi-animated Charles Schwab ads?8:40 p.m. Mean but true: Charlie Sheen needs new hair product. Might I suggest Got 2B Defiant Pomade? Anyone have a better idea?8:43 p.m. Did I just hear the word “uvula”?8:45 p.m. Cars? Cars.8:47 p.m. “Vogue”? Get it? Anna Wintour?8:49 p.m. Can Meryl Streep win a few more awards tonight? She’s so awesome at the podium. So good, in fact, that she gets a Top 5 Moments of Her Speech blog entry: 5) The awestruck look on Beyoncé’s face when Meryl gave her a shout-out; 4) “I think I’ve worked with everybody in the room!…I have!”; 3) Ending her comments with “That’s all.”; 2) noting her costars had the “difficult difficult job of making me seem monsterous”; 1) referring to her costar as “the Dreadful Stanley Tucci.8:56 p.m. Y’know, those Borat jokes do hold up to repeat viewings.8:58 p.m. Inside Helen Mirren’s mind: “I OWN this night! Bwahahaha!”9:01 p.m. Yay! Eddie Murphy wins! (I’m still not seeing that Norbit piece of crap.)9:02 p.m. Just asking: Would anyone have bet 10 years ago Meryl Streep would be 10 times funnier than Eddie Murphy?9:03 p.m. Re. that Oral B Triumph ad: I am a sucker for the terms “cleaner teeth” and “healthier gums.” Sudenly, I’m overcome with the urge to floss. BRB.9:07 p.m. I can’t believe Sarah Jessica Parker had to say “Manolos.”9:09 p.m. True confessions time/Instant Poll: Before the Golden Globe nominations came out, I’d never heard of Gideon’s Crossing. Am I the only one? (Yeah, yeah, I’m gonna totally DVR/Netflix it now that it’s scored two Golden Globes.)9:11 p.m. Mirren: “MY EVIL PLAN IS HALF-COMPLETED!”9:12 p.m. How much you wanna bet Mirren saved the good stuff for her Best Actress in a Drama speech? Oh come on, she’s totally gonna win.9:18 p.m. Cameron lost one of her dress straps! Oh but what she gained in hideous ruffle-age!9:21 p.m. Run, Jake, run! The Hotness Police are coming to take you away!9:22 p.m. (Sorry, yeah, I’ll settle down.)9:24 p.m. THEY DID NOT MAKE VANESSA (L. YEAH) WILLIAMS SHARE THE STAGE…AND WITH TIM ALLEN? AND NOW HE’S OGLING HER? ICK!9:25 p.m. Alec Baldwin scores a deserving win for Best Actor in a TV Comedy! Quick poll: Anyone think his win will get people to start watching the very funny 30 Rock? I say, probably not, because most good comedies die undeserving early deaths these days. (Yes, I am still not over Arrested Development or The Comeback getting axed.)9:29 p.m. Poor Geena Davis. I can almost hear Heidi Klum chirping, “In TV, one minute you’re a Golden Globe winner, the next minute you’re cancelled!”9:31 p.m. America Ferrera! That girl knows how to pratfall!9:32 p.m. UGLY BETTY WINS BEST COMEDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Becki Newton goes from Olive Garden ad to the Golden Globe stage! And there’s L. YEAH! I’m breaking out the champs!9:33 p.m. (Sorry Office fans. I’ll settle down now.)9:34 p.m. Is that Sharon Stone, or is it Reese Witherspoon playing the role of Sharon Stone?9:38 p.m. Back when Jennifer Hudson finished seventh on Season 3 of Idol, I can honestly say I’d never have guessed Clint Eastwood would be quoting her in a Globes acceptance speech: “You don’t know what this does for my confidence.” What a country — seriously!9:43 p.m. You know how you always go into a sensory blackout around this time during the Oscars telecast? And yet here I am at 9:45 totally diggin’ the Globes. Moral of the story? Alcohol makes things better!9:50 p.m. “I’m so sorry! I’m such a mess right now!” says America Ferrera as she tearfully picks up the Best Actress in a TV Comedy trophy for Ugly Betty. Don’t worry, girlfriend, we’re all reaching for the Puffs, too!9:54 p.m. If anyone needs to apologize for being a mess it’s the thin lady accosting America and asking her idiotic questions! Step away from the Globe winner and put down the mic. Thank you.10:00 p.m. Tom Hanks just kissed HFPA bumbie!10:01 p.m. Quick poll: Who likes to take a mini-nap during lifetime achievement awards? (I do! I do!)10:02 p.m. Tom Hanks keeps saying “balls!” I don’t care for that.10:08 p.m. Okay, that Hanks character just said “balls” again, and again, not very funny. And I’m sure repeated references to Beatty’s lothario past makes the honoree’s wife feel all warm and cozy inside. WHERE’S THE GUY WITH THE HOOK?10:09 p.m. Nice touch with Madge’s “Sooner or Later.” Do they have something against poor Annette?10:14 p.m. Glaaaaadiator!10:15 p.m. Beatty’s doing Borat. I take back what I said about alcohol making everything better.10:17 p.m. Let’s get some shoes.10:22 p.m. Not to worry, Dustin Hoffman, I feel a little wobbly, too.10:23 p.m. “You’ll find the word ‘fun‘ in ‘dysfunctional'”? Seriously, Dustin? You have just earned a spot in the Podium Banter Hall of Shame.10:25 p.m. Scorsese had to beat Clint not once — but twice! — to win Best Director. Now that’s badass.10:28 p.m. NBC! Show some respect! Don’t threaten to cut off Scorsese for cryin’ out loud! (Even if he’s not as jaunty as Laurie or Streep.)10:29 p.m. I choose not to sully Sacha Baron Cohen’s acceptance speech for Best Actor in a Comedy for Borat with my own blathering. Instead, I’ll just quote his comment about having to choose between “death, or to breathe in the air that had been trapped in a small pocket between [co-star Ken Davitian’s] buttocks for his 30 years…If it was not for that rancid bubble, I would not be here today.” Awesome.10:38 p.m. Dreamgirls wins Best Comedy or Musical, and producer Laurence Mark gets all of 11 seconds to accept. See what Beatty’s unedited rambling has wrought?10:43 p.m. I guarantee in five years’ time, no one will remember Courteney Cox as “star of Dirt.”10:45 p.m. Moment of sincerity: I love that Shonda Rhimes is so genuinely stoked to win Best TV Drama for Grey’s Anatomy. “I’m staring at Jack Nicholson and Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty! This is surreal!”10:48 p.m. If someone could figure out how to sell class in a bottle, Helen Mirren (winner for Best Actress in a Drama for The Queen) would be one of the richest people alive. Well played, crediting the real woman she portrayed for creating such a powerful role, then sneaking in her patented humor, that since Queen Elizabeth “already has an orb that goes with her scepter, I will gratefully receive this one.”10:53 p.m. Just sayin’: You’d think seeing that Forest Whitaker was the favorite to win the Best Actor in a Drama trophy for The Last King of Scotland, he’d have prepared a little somethin’ for the podium, no? That said, I’m all for guys getting publicly choked up! Let it out, boys! It’s okay to cry!10:57 p.m. Taking nothing away from J.Hud, Eddie Murphy, Helen Mirren, Martin Scorsese, and Forest Whitaker, wouldn’t it have been nice to see an upset or two, just so the Oscars won’t be so darn predictable?11:00 p.m. BRANGELINA! My eyes!11:01 p.m. I forgot what award they just announced.11:02 p.m. Oh right! Babel just won Best Drama! (Is that kind of an upset since it didn’t win anything else all night?)11:03 p.m. Oh suh-nap! Arnie you just got served with an immigration put-down! Nuh-uh, he doesn’t care if you’re on crutches, either!11:04 p.m. Too. Many. Words.11:05 p.m. And the Globes end not with a bang, but with Arnie’s “We’ll be back.”