By Michael Slezak
Updated January 05, 2007 at 12:00 PM EST

Britney Spears has posted a letter to fans on her official website, but we couldn’t make much sense of the vague platitudes spouting forth from her keyboard. To help y’all truly understand what’s going on in the life and mind of America’s fastest-plummeting star, we put each sentence through the PopTarts-to-English translator, and here’s what came out.

Dear Fans,
Dear bored office workers,

It has been a while since I’ve addressed you personally here on my official website.
I was in the middle of gettin’ ready for an awesome night out at the clubs, but my mom said I had to stay home and write this.

The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being.
The last couple of years, all I’ve wanted to say is, “Leave me alone — I’m country, y’all!”

Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction.
I heart ponies!

I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don’t pay much attention to it.
OMG, y’all, writing letters is so boring!

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and nowthat I’ve had the time to be “me,” I’ve been able to sit down and thinkabout where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutelyno strings attached.
Anyway, have you guys caught the Dr. Keith Ablow show? Seriously, i watch it every day.

I am now more mature and feel like I am finally “free.”
Guess what? I’m not wearing panties.

I’ve been working so hard on this new album and I can’t wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again!
There’s some really deep s*** in my diary; I can’t wait for Pharrell to put it over some hot beatz.

I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard torelease the new album sometime later this year, but the date is ofcourse not certain yet.
Exclusively, there’s no way my lawyer is letting Jive drop me from their roster.

I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever,and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level.
You’ve seen my hoo-hoo, what’ve I got left to hide, right?

I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting downsoon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasonsthat went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing.
Sean Preston, give the extension cord back to Little BooBoo!!!

If I were you I’d be unhappy too if I had to read what I’ve been reading every day.
Honestly? I haven’t read in over four years.

But trust me, I get it.
Mom? Can I be excused from the table?

I know I’ve been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of funexaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love myfans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, soThank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I did not write that last sentence, it was totally my manager.