I'm Probably Going to Hell for Saying This, Vol. 1
I’m probably going to hell for saying this, but I don’t see anything wrong with Santa Claus wanting to murder a bunch of Hollywood pretty people on Christmas day. Those damn kids were probably naughty this year, anyway!
In case you’re wondering if I drank too much eggnog at the PopWatch holiday party — er, that’s beside the point. Here’s my beef: On Dec. 25, the mischievous, twinkle-eyed filmmakers who brought you Final Destination will be stuffing our stockings with Black Christmas (pictured), a remake of the 1974 splatter flick in which a psycho dressed in a Santa suit preys on a bunch of sorority girls. But according to some outraged Christian groups, releasing Black Christmas on Jesus’ birthday isn’t exactly their idea of spreading “Joy to the World!” holiday cheer. Sample sentiment: “Our most sacred holiday, actually a holy day, is being assaulted,” according to a spokesperson from Operation Just Say Merry Christmas.
As a Christian myself, I understand the complaint. And yet, at the risk of sounding like a heretic, I say “Bah, humbug!” to my people’s lack of imagination. Where’s their sense of humor? Some homicidal Ho! Ho! Ho! during the most wonderful time of the year — well, that’s just funny. That they can’t see that irks me so much, I kinda want to buy a ticket to this movie just to protest them. Moreover, I think these narrow-minded activists are missing their own point, which is actually this: the “reason for the season” — the birth of Jesus Christ some 2006 years ago — is being forgotten, and worse, increasingly replaced with a fantasy figure that has become our patron saint of Buying Stuff. Personally, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be grateful for a movie that demonizes a dude that some zealous believers refer to as “Satan Claus.” Here’s hoping on Christmas morning, these true believers will find a bottle of chill pills — and a box of cleverness — waiting for them next to the fireplace. As for me, I’ll be cheering on this Bad Santa — and then roasting like a chestnut in hell.