By Helin Jung
December 19, 2006 at 12:00 PM EST

Note to self: don’t ever get a personal assistant. It’s just a death trap. They either write scathing tell-all books about you, sue you for throwing things at them, or collect your bodily fluids to sell on the Internet. This last one is especially frightening. Black Pitch Press has what I pray is a spoof website called Celebrity Skin, devoted to the “sale” of celebrity skin cells, “bacteria,” fecal matter, and urine. About the group: “Celebrity Skin was formed in 2003 by an anonymous collective of former Hollywood personal assistants.”

Note to the consumer: I tried to buy Norman Mailer’s pee for $15. It didn’t work. I kept clicking on “Add to Cart,” but there was no cart or confirmation that I’d successfully added the urine sample to my basket. I tried adding his skin cells. No luck. Bacteria? Perhaps they were sold out of the Advertisements for Myself author’s goodies.

So, I turned to specimens that were bound to be grosser, ergo lesspopular: those from the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Flea. At $27, Flea’s fecal matteris surely overpriced, but I thought it might be good as a conversation piece for my coffee table,you know? No luck there, either. Oh, well. Some items have been noted”OUT OF STOCK,” such as Donna D’Errico’s bacteria. Other items havebeen marked as “OVERSTOCK SALE” and “SPECIAL PROMOTION,” like Dr. Drew’sfecal matter and bacteria, respectively.

Thanks for making mesqueal, Black Pitch Press. I loved imagining the arrival of my Norman Mailer pee and myFlea poo, and I especially loved your FAQ page. That answered one of my burning questions: why you don’t sell blood. Damn, I really wanted Billy Bob Thornton’s vial!