The 10 hottest topics for the week of December 22, 2006

By Scott Brown
Updated December 15, 2006 at 05:00 AM EST

Scott Brown’s Hit List

1 Brett Ratner’s grandma gets a reality show It’s pretty much 30 minutes of her saying how much she enjoyed ‘Red Dragon.’

2 Rosie O’Donnell accused of mocking Chinese The thing about mocking the Chinese is, an hour later, you’re racist again.

3 Tori Spelling yard sale a huge success The top item: Aaron Spelling in carbonite, $22.50.

4 Jennifer Aniston doing just fine But thanks for asking.

5 National Prison Rape Elimination Commission deplores Let’s Go to Prison It should be noted, the National Prison Rape Elimination Commission wanted to see Bond, but it was sold out.

6 Mariah Carey threatens to sue porn star Mary Carey Also included in the suit are deceased sportscaster Harry Caray, rubber-faced funnyman Jim Carrey, and the verb ”carry.”

7 Kirstie Alley will reportedly make boyfriends wait six months for sex She wants to be the DMV of C-list copulation.

8 Prince to be Super Bowl halftime act Because if there’s one thing Super Bowl audiences love, it’s raw yet ambiguous sexuality.

9 Anna Wintour holds symposium on ultra-thin models They’re all way too fat, the panel is expected to conclude.

10 Van Wilder soundtrack to morph into full-blown rock tour Sheesh, that would be like me morphing into a full-blown journalist.