By Michael Slezak
Updated November 27, 2006 at 12:00 PM EST

All day long, I’ve been obsessed with two things, and two things only. And now that I’ve decided to make pulled pork sandwiches with red cabbage for dinner — thank heavens for Everyday Food! — that leaves me with only one question to ponder: Who’s going to win on tonight’s season finale of The Bachelor: Rome? (Note ABC’s website is still promoting last week’s “Women Tell All” episode.) And by “win,” of course, I mean “agree to continue a hopelessly superficial courtship with ‘Prince’ Lorenzo Borghese for another 6-12 months before announcing an amicable split through an ABC spokesperson.”

In one corner, there’s vaguely appealing (and virginal) Sadie. In the other, there’s kind (but bland) Jennifer. WHICH WOMAN WILL FULFILL HER REAL-LIFE FAIRYTALE BY BECOMING LORENZO’S PRINCESS? WHICH WOMAN’S DREAMS WILL BE CRUSHED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION? Oops, sorry, I just channeled Chris Harrison.

Anyway, if Sadie doesn’t win, I predict I’m going to cough up a littlebit of that pulled pork in a fit of confusion and rage. (I admit it: Idon’t want to care, and yet, after taking the “journey” with Lorenzo, I”feel” a lot of “emotions.”) Sadie and Lorenzo have exhibited actualromantic chemistry, whereas Jennifer and Lorenzo have the kind ofchemistry that’s on par with that of Kelly Ripa and Clay Aiken’s hand.Am I right? Or am I going to be in for a surprise when Jennifer ends upwith the tiara? (Also: Stay tuned to tomorrow afternoon for my soul-crushing life-affirming sexy heartwarming interview with Lorenzo and his soon-to-be arch-enemy ex bride.)