By Michael Slezak
Updated November 17, 2006 at 12:00 PM EST

OK, so it’s PopWatch confession time. Sometimes, on Friday afternoons, when it’s all down to searching YouTube for Jane’s Addiction videos and dreaming of mojitos, my colleague Annie Barrett and I like to play a game called “Celebrity Roleplay.” And with the Most Blessed Wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes slated for this weekend, we decided to take a crack at enacting their ceremony. After Annie and I arm-wrestled for rights to wear Kate’s white Target gown (she won, naturally) we assumed our roles and exchanged vows. And they went a little something like this…

Tom: I vow to go for it!
Katie: You vow to go for it!
Tom: I respect women.
Katie: You respect women.
Tom: I love women.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: I promise to save you and Dakota Fanning from the blood-sucking aliens that have put the Northeastern United States in peril.
Katie: I miss Pacey.
Tom: Kate! (broad grin)
Katie: (in monotone) My name is Kate.
Tom: I vow to take you in my arms and kiss you passionately at public sporting events.
Katie: I vow to fake it, too.

addCredit(“Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: SGPItalia/”)

Tom: I vow that you will have a silent birth.
Katie: (silence)
Tom: I vow to get a minimum of $20 million up front, with an option for 15 percent profits on the back end.
Katie: You love women.
Tom: Suri! (broad grin)
Katie: Yep. We’re both here.
Tom:You don’t even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking aboutchemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research paperson how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That’s what I’vedone. Then you go and you say where’s the medical test? WHERE’S THEBLOOD TEST THAT SAYS HOW MUCH RITALIN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GET?
Katie: I vow to crush up some Ritalin and put it into the placenta you never got around to eating.
Tom:I’m living my life. And I feel fortunate, you know. I feel reallyfortunate. And I’m excited. I’m passionate about learning. I’mpassionate about life.
Katie: I miss my friends and family.
Tom: “Respect the c*ck!” (laughs) That’s from Magnolia. I got an Oscar nomination for that. (broad grin)
Katie: (sighs) I know. It was in my orientation binder.
Tom: Help me to help you, Kate.
Katie: Help.