Fox Gets Picklered

American Idol fans, rejoice: Kellie Pickler, Idol finalist, noted linguist and my fellow North Carolinian, won’t be fading quietly into the mists of obscurity. No: She will be sent out on the flaming funeral barge also known as a Fox sitcom.

Yes, the sweetest of Picklers will get her own show. According to Variety, she’ll play a “naive small-town Southern girl” (check aaaaaand… check) who finds out the state’s governor is her biological father. I think every naïve small-town Southern girl remembers that special time in her life when she found out the governor was her biological father. Gosh, I remember when I found out my father was the Durham County vice-game warden… but I digress. Point is, this is a universal story, and a perfect vehicle for our Pickles.

We have, as usual, invented obtained a script (after the jump):

SCENE 1: SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

SHELLY STICKLER
Are you my real daddy?

GOVERNOR STEREOTYPE P. FATBACK
Yes, Shelly.

SHELLY STICKLER
Oh my GAW, y’all! Well, Daddy, what’s for dinner?

GOVERNOR STEREOTYPE P. FATBACK
I don’t know, Shelly. My eyes are full of emotional tears. Can you read the menu?

SHELLY STICKLER
Sall-a-mon!

[laughter]

GOVERNOR STEREOTYPE P. FATBACK
Shelly, you’re the most adorable failure of our state’s education system.

SHELLY STICKLER
Can I sing a song now?

GOVERNOR STEREOTYPE P. FATBACK
You go right ahead.

SHELLY STICKLER
[Like, “Unchained Melody,” y’all!]

GOVERNOR STEREOTYPE P. FATBACK
You make me proud, Shelly Stickler! I wish I had 40 more out-of-wedlock children just like you. Oh wait… I do!

[laughter, mild opprobrium]

Yeah, there are still some rough edges. But it’s solid idea — based ona screen treatment by Stanley Kubrick, from what I understand.