October 25, 2006 at 06:23 PM EDT

I was YouTubing Penn State linebacker Paul Posluszny (not the point), when I stumbled onto a clip of the university’s Blue Band peforming “Thriller.” For some inexplicable reason, which I can now only describe as fate, I began searching for more marching band clips — and that’s when I saw you, Jackson State University Marching Band Flaming Twirler.

You were twirling your way through a wailin’ rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I’m Your Baby Tonight.” You were wearing purple pants, which you tore off to reveal gold-sequined shorts (and gold-sequined anklecuffs — nice touch). You were spinning a baton on your lips and twirling fire dangerously close to your manparts.

I hope you read this. I think we’d be great friends.

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