On ''Weeds,'' Agent Wonderbread shuts down Nancy and Conrad's operation, and the two partners kiss; meanwhile, Heylia conspires with the competition

October 24, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

”Weeds”: Offers Nancy can’t refuse

With just one episode left this season, each of the entangled Weeds-folk is being nudged toward his or her breaking point. Peter snapped, Silas fled, and mark my words: Heylia will not be wearing that crossing-guard vest much longer (though she could just be trading it for another Day-Glo ensemble). I’m glad we’re here, but I can’t help wishing things had reached their boiling point a little earlier this season. Maybe it sounds sadistic, but these characters are at their most convincing when they’re reacting to a crisis.

Agent Wonderbread tipped his hand when he gave Nancy a bag of oranges — citrus fruits always foreshadow deception! — but I still wasn’t prepared for him to throw Conrad to the ground and drop the N-bomb. I was expecting a bit more subtlety from Peter, not simply because he gave me the chills from the get-go but also because Martin Donovan plays him with such control that it’s almost impossible to tell whether he’s experiencing heartbreak or seething rage unless you slo-mo to see which corner of his mouth is twitching. He seemed distinctly uncomfortable unleashing his inner Vic Mackey like that.

Nancy, on the other hand, kept her cool — especially admirable since it wasn’t that long ago that she got physically ill when Peter revealed he knew she sold drugs. But now, Weeds watchers, I need you to help me out with something: Why did Nance rush to mail in the marriage certificate? The way I understood it, that piece of paper protected Peter, not Her Highness. Did she file it because she felt guilty? Perhaps I’m just missing something.

Oops, I almost forgot: Nancy and Conrad kissed! OMG! This kiss was a long time coming, and, to be honest, I wish it had happened four episodes ago, when season 2 was flagging. I mean, think how many more shirtless-Conrad scenes they could’ve squeezed in there. No, I joke: I love the innocence of N&C’s crush. A passionate affair would be predictable and would destroy their nuanced, slightly-more-than-business partnership. But if there’s one thing more certain than the connection between oranges and blackmail, it’s the time-honored TV formula of desire equals death. Nancy doesn’t want Conrad to deliver Peter the half mil, and I fear her instincts are very, very good.

Speaking of intuition, Celia has let hers go completely to pot. Becoming furiously indignant when Doug admits he hasn’t exactly…in so many words…which is to say, at all…told his wife he’s having an affair, Celia burned him with a cigarette and informed him of his spinelessness. But, to be fair, being spineless is kind of Doug’s thing. Getting all worked up about it is kind of like being shocked when Ryan Atwood punches someone, or Meredith Grey shows up for work looking like she ran out of shampoo. It was a welcome change, though, to see Dean asserting himself and throwing Celia out on her adulterous butt. Zooey Deschanel also continued to delight in her second appearance, bringing not only another possible felony but also an Inuit bounty hunter to the playing field.

And Shane, with his infallible child’s sixth sense, knew all along Nancy was a drug dealer. How frustrating that Mommy Dearest insulted his intelligence by insisting the product she peddles is ”organic…like tomatoes.” Two problems with that: First, she said it as if she were telling Shane there is no Tooth Fairy, and second, organic, my left foot. That is some serious genetically modified bud. Nancy should have simply paraphrased Conrad: ”Shane, honey, you know how Pfizer has Viagra? I have MILF Weed.”

What do you think? What is Heylia planning with our incarcerated Armenian friend? What did Kat do in Alaska that’s got Abumchuk up in her grill? Will Peter be able to go through with blackmailing Nancy? Will Conrad make it to season 3? And do you want to this season to end with a cliff-hanger or with things sealed up like a wee Ziploc baggie?

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