Let me preface this blog item by saying I try not to throw around the word “love” when it comes the participants of The Bachelor franchise. Yet even though I most definitely do not love bland-but-horny “Prince” Lorenzo Borghese, I do adore the fact that, week after week, he chooses Rome’s own Agnese (pictured) — a woman who’s mastered English about as well as Paris Hilton has mastered singing — at the expense of the American fameosexuals trying to live out their unevolved Cinderella fantasies on national television. Clearly, Lorenzo’s decision is not about the conversation, and I don’t think it’s about physical attraction either, seeing the way Agnese’s tresses are quickly devolving into something that resembles the caterpillar nests one often sees in diseased trees. Could it be Lorenzo was simply so bored with vacant, wonky-eyed Jeanette and desperate, boozy Desiree (“I’m a sexy Roman princess, baby!”) that a return trip across the pond for a hometown date with Agnese proved irresistible? I mean, at least Lorenzo can be pretty certain the food will be fantastic.
That said, Agnese’s Roman numeral has got to be up next week, right? Not so fast, Bachelor-philes. Did you see that preview with Lisa modeling a wedding dress for Lorenzo? Isn’t that just their second one-on-one date? And how about Lisa’s sister spilling the beans about the pop-eyed she-beast’s five-year plan to nab a spouse and some babies? For a woman who declared she knew nothing about Roman history, but everything about Bachelor history, Lisa seems oddly unaware that she’s about a boiled bunny away from coming off like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
Which leaves virginal Sadie (who, with that black fur shrug and severe ‘do,sort of resembled another Close character, Cruella De Vil, during therose ceremony) and master’s student (!) Jen as the likeliestrecipient’s of Lorenzo’s final rose. (No, that’s not a euphemism!Sadie’s a virgin, people!) If I’m being forced to choose sides, I guessI’ll root for Jen, who at the very least looked a little skittish whenLorenzo slipped her the tongue in front of hundreds of strangers at theTrevi Fountain. She may not be, as Lisa contends, “all that prettywithout makeup,” but at least I can’t picture her cutting her own thighin a steamed-up bathroom with Anne Archer. And on The Bachelor: Rome,that’s about as close to a fairytale ending as we’re gonna get. Howabout you, PopWatchers? Who (if anyone) are you cheering for?