By Michael Slezak
October 17, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT

So Kevin Federline (pictured, right) got into some kind of staged altercation with WWE wrestler John Cena (left) on Sunday night, the better to promote the former’s upcoming CD, Playing With Fire, and the latter’s new film, The Marine. Suffice to say, by the point in MTV News’ report on the brawl (third item) where they revealed that Nick and Aaron Carter, Three 6 Mafia, and Jackass stars Steve-O and Chris Pontius were in attendance, my eyes rolled back into my head, and I collapsed into the fetal position on my office floor. When I came to, I had channeled the following verbal smackdown between these two nobodies with excellent publicity teams:

K-Fed: Hi there, John! Love the carefully waxed chest!
Cena: Hello, Kevin! Love the manky wife-beater!
K-Fed: Funny you’d mention fashion choices: Marky Mark called from 1993! He’d like his look back!
Cena: Oh, well the guys at the Crisco plant called! They’d like their grease back!
K-Fed: Hey, didn’t your new movie make less money this weekend than that heinous-looking Robin Williams comedy?
Cena: Hey, wasn’t your big film role as a backup dancer in You Got Served?
K-Fed: Hey, don’t you, like, strip down to your underpants and roll around with dudes for money?
Cena: Hey, don’t you have to ask your wife for an allowance?
K-Fed: Remember when you pressed your face against Hulk Hogan’s man-boob?
Cena: Remember when your wife had clumpy eye-makeup during her interview with Matt Lauer?
K-Fed: You’re so not famous I can’t even think of anything else to make fun of you about!
Cena: You’re so universally loathed I can’t narrow down my list of things to make fun of you about!

addCredit(“John Cena and Kevin Federline: Matthew D. Simmons/ “)

K-Fed: What the hell is The Five Knuckle Shuffle?
Cena: What the hell is a Poo-Poo Zao?
K-Fed: It’s Popozao, stooopid!
Cena: Either way it’s a ridonk name for a first single.
K-Fed: Hey, it wasn’t a single… it was more of a teaser!
Cena: More like a tazer — to the gonads!
K-Fed: Oh snap, boy-eee!
Cena: You liked that one?
K-Fed: Popozao, baby!
Cena: Don’t call me baby.
K-Fed: Come on, dude, try it with me: Po! Po! Po! Po!
Cena: No, dude. Just no.
K-Fed: Aw, come on. You know the words.
Cena: I said no!
K-Fed: What if I get you Britney’s autograph?
K-Fed: Po! Po! Po! Po!
K:Fed: Come on…
Cena: (Sighs.) Popozao. Popozao.
K-Fed: Yeah, man, that’s my boy-eee!
Cena: I’m not your boy. Now go get my autograph.
K-Fed: Respeck.