October 13, 2006 at 04:00 AM EDT

Since Jimmy Buffett’s 27th studio album, Take the Weather With You, sounds much like his last one, we decided instead to review the edible, talking, and/or boozy items sold at his cafés and website, margaritaville.com.

1. MARGARITA MIX
Requires only the addition of some crushed ice and tequila. Comments from a focus group of alcohol connoisseurs (this EW reviewer and a few friends) included ”Very nice,” ”Tangy,” and ”Dude, I’m totally wasted.” B+

2. TROPICAL BOTTLE COZY
How much do you want to keep your beer cold and your hands dry? Probably not enough to clad said suds in this unsightly parrot-emblazoned bottle skin. C

3. FROZEN MEALS
Buffett’s Margaritaville dinners (which include Calypso Coconut Shrimp and Teriyaki Glazed Chicken but not, oddly, Charboiled Cheeseburgers in Paradise) are spicier than much of the singer’s musical output. B

4. TALKING BOTTLE OPENER
Every time you use this opener it emits an overlong recording in which a male patron orders beer from a female bartender followed by a blast of mariachi music. Every…single…freakin’…time. D

5. INFLATABLE PARROT
Even trainee pirates should give this oddly dyspeptic-looking toy the bird. C

6. ISLAND-SCENE BUCKET
Ideal beach accoutrement for the toddler Buffett fan — and essential receptacle for anyone who tested way too much margarita mix the night before. B

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